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Old 06-12-2011, 02:02 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: New England USA
Posts: 1,231

Hi Seasnail,

Thanks for chiming in because from your writing it sounds like your situation (and reaction) are great examples of what we're talking about. And trying to gets some ground laid to do 'better'.

Originally Posted by Seasnail View Post
When my husband cheated on me, I remember feeling like the world was falling apart, in the same way as when a family member died.
Looking back (hindsight always 20/20) was this 'feeling' legitimate ? Is a feeling of betrayal at the same level as an actual death of a loved one ?

Originally Posted by Seasnail
....We had grown up together, and were super-christian.
That says something in itself. Religion has been responsible for the largest share of brainwashing people in a monogamous direction.

Originally Posted by Seasnail
... Our wedding ceremony included vows that indicated fidelity in an obvious and explicit way. It didn't feel like an *assumption* of fidelity to me.
For a majority of people - words spoken on a page. Many people take 'vows' all the time - anything from clubs they join to licenses they are getting that have vows attached. We don't pay a lot of attention to the details of these 'vows' as a rule - it's just a process we go through. Maybe it's different for YOU ? But generally speaking.........

Originally Posted by Seasnail
.....I think that if he had wanted non-monogamy, he was responsible to ask first.
Wouldn't this be great ?
But this is kind of at the heart of this discussion. We don't know HOW ! Don't even know (or believe) that's an option. No training/education/examples to follow.
That's what's so broken.
It's NOT that monogamy is automatically a bad thing. It's that we aren't told it's not the only option. And like you alluded to, these great sneaky little traps that are embedded in vows, culture etc that set the scene for drama and crying foul.

Wouldn't it really be entirely different if in your prenup sessions you had been aware of the fact that relationships grow and change over time and that monogamy was a totally negotiable thing (without impacting the quality of the existing relationship).
But that isn't what most people believe when they enter into a relationship. Especially in the first one or two (youth/inexperience). We're drowning in NRE and heavily injected with the "happily ever-after" myth.
And for a majority, that bubble eventually bursts and here we are with little education & training on where to go from there - physically or emotionally.

The rest of the stuff you touch on that you felt or were shortchanged on are great examples of how different it COULD have been had the knowledge been there.

Thanks again........

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