Thank you for your kind words, Morningglory629 and transitapparent.
Transitapparent, I can't image what it would be like to be in your shoes but I will tell you that your story and stories like it are extremely helpful because it highlights how this poly thing can be hurtful, even when not intended. Your perspective is an extremely important one and can't be overlooked. I wish you well.
Rider and I have posted several questions to the forum and have gotten some great feedback and different perspectives. Thank you, nycindie, GroundedSpirit, MonoVCPHG, and Magdlyn for your responses.
We had another great talk last night (between all the talking and the sex we canít get more than 4 hours of sleep a night
) and several short conversations today. We feel ready to let things happen organically. Rider told me that he is further along today than yesterday and he said he thinks if I have the opportunity to engage with someone else I should take it. I told him I felt the same. It was awesome. I didnít even have a twinge of bad feelings. I think itís because Iíve peeled another layer of the onion away (to borrow an analogy from one of the posts I read last week-sorry I canít give credit to the original; I canít remember where I saw it).
Iíve been working on owning my own emotional and spiritual stuff for the past few years and figuring out who I am and who I want to be. Itís been a great journey and Iím still maturing. Iíve added another list as it relates to this poly thing.
To future me for when I lose my way and forget why Iím doing this or when Iím tempted to back away from a challenge instead of grow through it. This is who you want to be.
1. I want to send Rider off on his dates with a kiss, a smile, and a ďhave a great time!Ē (and really mean it)
2. I want to welcome Rider home from a date with a kiss, a smile, and a ďdid you have a good time?Ē (and really hope he did)
3. I want to rest in the knowledge that Rider stays with me because he loves me and wants to be my partner in life, not because he is bound to me.
4. I want to live with open arms and an open heart.
So, thatís where we are today and I feel so at peace.
Iím leaving in a few days for a 10 day trip into the boonies and Iíll be completely out of communication, no phone, no computer, nothing. I wonder what I will come home to. Will it be to a happy husband who announces that he did _________ with another woman or will he have changed his mind or something else perhaps? Either way, itís all good. Iím not afraid and itís a powerful feeling. Iím so happy today and my heart is so full.