Thread: Hiding pain
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Old 06-11-2011, 09:28 PM
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sinew sinew is offline
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Thanks, everyone, for the support and advice. It really does help.

Sometimes my husband is great, and sometimes not great. For him, the idea of supporting me is, I think, very tough. He says he feels like he messes up on this front all the time, but that sentiment doesn't seem to actually compel him to work harder at it. There is definitely an element of frustration on his part that what he believes ought to be plenty isn't enough (for me or Juliet, frankly).

I don't know how to effectively ask for more support. Juliet's husband referred me to this article on emotional vs logical arguments, and I've been turning it over in my head for a few days. Admitting irrational emotional responses to things is probably good when you're talking about dirty dishes, but isn't it just annoying if the issue is more subjective?

For example, before my business trip this last week, I was trying hard to not let things with Charlie bother me. I tried to just move on when I felt shot down, tried to remain positive when it felt that he was showing little or no interest in me. It was sort of working. But the night before my flight, I couldn't sleep and finally woke him up to lay out my hurt and anxiety over the way he had been treating me the last few days (since he and Juliet started their 3-week break). I was afraid he was already resenting me. I tried to ask to be reassured and comforted, but it became obvious very quickly that he felt that he was already doing plenty to reassure and comfort me, and we ended up arguing over specific incidents. My interpretation was that I was having to drag him into interacting with me at all, while he felt that he was being supportive and open. I was asking him to show more interest and warmth toward me, and his answer was that I just wasn't seeing all that he already was doing.

In the end, I want to tell him when I'm in pain, but it causes so much confrontation that I dread it, too. It makes him defensive, and that doesn't help either of us.
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