Mono vs poly. Natural attraction or something more?
Hi all. Never thought I'd be making a post on here again, but here I am. I am poly, but no longer living the lifestyle. My fiance left me and my boyfriend and I agreed to be mono. There are 2 main reasons for this. 1) What we have is amazing and it fufills both our needs. 2) Our attempt at poly was emotionally exhausting and scarring. It's just not worth it for us.
That being said we are still quite open in our discussions of attraction to others. (something that was a major no no in all other mono relationships I have experienced. A recent talk that we had brought me to the realization that I have started to sink into a mono mindset more so than he has which is strange because he has always been mono and is happy staying that way. What I mean is I have had a handful of attractions to people. He on the otherhand it seems to have attractions to ALOT of females around us.
Witnessing his interactions and flirtations are having a positive and negative effect on me as is dicussing them. I find myself feeling safe and proud that we are able to be open with eachother about this. I also feel turned on by it. BUT, I also have feelings of "He's MINE!" I don't act upon them. I don't get mad at him, but they are there. I feel like a poly girl with a secret monogamonster trapped inside.
There is a particular neighbor that gives off the vibe of no respect for our relationship. (ie she would have no problems being with a cheater) This scares me. I trust him. I am happy and he is happy. Why do I feel threatened? I feel as though since we agreed to be mono I def have some territorial tendencies that are trying to break free. He thinks it's cute because he says I deal with them well and I don't control. Nothing in our life changes because of them except for the fact that I am really starting to hate these urges coming out of me. It's a miserable feeling when I'm hearing about him watching 2 of our girlfriends wrestling at the pool after he massaged me to sleep because it's such a turn on and I'm happy for him as well, but there is a growl that is wanting to roll up from my gut and out of my mouth at the same timw. I find myself wanting to offer him someone else to feel better.
That sounds odd even to me, but in my head his attractions wouldn't seem AS threatening if we were open again. Because as Mono it's me and someone else means the end of that. As poly it means a possibility of more than one. (ie I still am in the picture.) He still says he is mono regardless of attractions/ crushes because he has no desire to pursue anything. He wants me and only me.
My original question I had was do mono people have attractions and crushes on others while in a relationship. Which I would still like an answer to, but as I sit here typing this long winded post I see there is much more to this for me. This partially stinks of emotional scars from my ex being mono to the point that he said if he ever even got turned on by another it meant he didn't love me anymore and we would be over... And for once in his life he stuck to his word.