ouch ouch ouch
I feel that frequently... Its been about a month. Things are in fact moving forward, I put the poly thoughts on hold for a bit because I wanted to focus on my relationship with Ouroboros and building trust there. I think he takes this seriously...
It has been a couple of weeks since I stopped feeling awkward around him, like I was making a mistake for taking him back. Now, I am starting to feel more joy than anxiety when around him, which is a good place to be. I am watching him carefully, though... Seeing what actions he takes as far as this relationship goes, and testing, yes, testing him to figure out if he is sincere...
So, We have been talking about taking a trip together to seattle for a while... I used to live there, and since my divorce, I carry alot of baggage from that area. I have not been back in a while, because I associated so many of the negative things regarding my last relationship with that city. I am sure some of you understand how this is possible, although irrational.
I wanted so badly to go back and have been entertaining the idea in my head for a while. I thought that it would be a good idea to take someone that didn't know the area, so I could re-introduce seattle to myself in a positive and exciting light, while introducing it for the first time to them. AND in the process visiting friends that I have not seen in a VERY long time due partly to this last relationship.
This trip is soooo emotionally charged for me.
I want to take Ouroboros with me. We have so much fun when we are together, and we like so many of the same things, I thought he would appreciate it. Then a problem arose.
We will probably be driving. Which means we will pass thru portland. Now, I have a friend that lives there now that I have not seen since my wedding! I really want to see them on our way up to seattle... However, Ouroboros wants to see the OW. I am soooo torn right now.
On the one hand, It has only been a freaking month! I feel (and my friends agree) that this is insensitive of him. He saw her 3 times this summer, and WHY must he stop during this trip (or even mention it!) when he knows how emotionally charged the trip is for me already!!?
I am soo bothered by this.
On the other hand, I want to be compassionate...
THe hurt (from both of these issues) is just too much for me. I am definitly not running away, or trying to avoid anything. In fact, I am tackling one fear already by making this trip. I just don't want my head to be clouded by another issue... which at the moment is making me just want to cancel the whole damn thing.
I know this is selfish. I just don't know if it is the best thing for me to try to do all of this at once. AND, it makes me question Ouroboros' sincerity that he would bring this up now. I still need time. this feels like pressure. If I feel pressured, I put up walls. So, In order for me to get past this, I need to not feel pressure. The very thought that he brought it up makes me feel like he cannot wait to be with her...
My buddy suggested I talk with him, and tell him how I feel. If he pressures me, or fights with me, I guess I will know then that this relationship won't work out... right?