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Old 06-11-2011, 12:05 AM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: New England USA
Posts: 1,231

Thanks everyone so far for weighing in ! Some good stuff coming........

Originally Posted by TruckerPete
I used to think anyone who didn't immediately split up with their cheating partner was a moron and just asking for more cheating. Now when I hear about it, I wonder how they can work on the underlying cause and move past it.[
Not sure how much of this is poly, and how much is just growing up. [/quote]

Exactly my point ! We, in the beginning, don't KNOW any better. It's what we are taught. We're taught that monogamy is easily managable. Key word here "easily". It isn't. Most everyone over 15 knows that now. But we AREN'T taught how to manage it - or dispose of it in a kind, responsible manner. And so we have what we have.

LR also keys in on this.......
Originally Posted by LovRad
It was NEVER about not loving him. It was about loving myself too. It was about fulfilling my needs. I didn't KNOW how to do it right. Just like parenting-we learn as we go, hopefully we improve as we go.
Originally Posted by Mono

If you are with somoe one who values sexual fidelity, cheating is flat out the most selfish act through which you can inflict pain on a person you supposedly love. It's indicative of a lack of self control, weak character or a general lack of human concern;
Is it ? (most selfish)
I can think of any number of things I'd consider more selfish and potentially damaging ! We can just start with driving drunk with the kids in the car. I'm sure you can think of 100 more too
I think TruckerPete asked the relevant question also. How DID sex - or even emotional connection get put on a pedastle so far above so many more obviously damaging things. The damage done by the reaction to the 'infidelity' generally far outweighs the damage from the infidelity itself.

Originally Posted by RedPep
there is a purpose to holding on to anger, hurt and pain over cheating for a time, sometimes always, even just a bit. It protects and keeps a person safe.
Really ? Does it ?
How does feeding negative emotions - giving them power - which DOES affect our daily lives (and health) and interaction help ?
Or is it the lesson we hope we've learned that can protect us from future pain ?


While its a good reminder to people who come here that they can eventually let it go, at least most of it, I don't think it serves to blow them off and not validate the HUGE pain that can come from cheating. I don't think blowing them off adds anything to their process of healing.
I'm sorry if my choice of words or tone came across as a "blow off" to anyone. Obviously it was not intended that way. I'm guilty of not prefixing with my usual "don't take this personally" disclaimer Hard subjects often draw hard reactions.

Originally Posted by Minxxa
I know for me personally the pain from the cheating wasn't in the sex with another person. I'm good with that.

The pain came from the lying about it, the saying they were in one place, when they were another. The loss of trust when all of a sudden you can't believe anything a person says because they aren't being honest.

Ahhhhhhhhh........and now we have it !

Because isn't this REALLY what's at the bottom of it ? Any violation of our trust cuts deep. Our relationships with other people are the framework of our lives. We're a social species and highly interdependant. Trust equals safety (in theory). Violate our trust and you violate our safety (in our minds).
Our "trusts" are violated from the time we are young children. But it's often the case that what we "trusted" was mostly a creation of our own mind.

It's the picture WE painted about how life is/should be. And maybe we had some 'assistant' painters along the way. If we are wrong about that interpretation, eventually someone/something is going to burst our bubble. The latex paint won't hold up to the salt atmosphere of real life.

Is it time to stop blaming the paint ? Or the salt ?
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