I started keeping a blog prior to becoming a member of this site because I want to record the journey and remember it as it was, not worse or better. I also need and want advice and chastening when I spin off into left field. It is my hope that my husband, IDRider47, will read this blog and that it will help with our journey, bringing comfort and security when things get rough. Talking through things together is really helpful but to be able to go back and see things in writing will, I hope, add value to our face to face communication.
Iíll post these dated ones in one post and then add to it later.
First some background. Iím an almost 40 year old heterosexual female who has been doing some extensive research on the origin of human sexuality. A few of my favorite books are ďSex at DawnĒ and ďThe Myth of MonogamyĒ. Ethnographic research shows that monogamy is not a universal human trait and that culture is a powerful influencer of the expression of our sexuality. Autonomy and gender egalitarianism are both values of mine.
I am convinced that humans are not biologically designed as a monogamous species and that we have the capacity to love and sexually experience more than one person at a time. Polyamory makes perfect sense to me.
My husband, IDrider47 (Rider, henceforth), and I have been married for 20 years and have 2 teenagers. Weíve had our ups and downs but we are in a really good place. Heís an amazing human being and an extraordinary lover. We are well matched in most areas but I am more outdoorsy and physically active and I have interests that gross him out (forensic/biology stuff). I met someone at college who is active and is also shares my gross interests. I am attracted to him and I think he is attracted to me but I have not given him any indication of my attraction.
A little over a week ago I opened up a conversation with my husband about an open marriage. Weíve talked for hours and hours and hours and he was open to it and we even had conversations about logistics, his curiosities and my needs. He says he doesnít need an open marriage but it would give him the opportunity for variety that monogamy doesnít provide. The benefit for me would be that Iíd get to express lust for someone who is physically active and that Iíd have someone to run, hike, etc. with and who I could tell all the dissection and death stories I wanted to without feeling like a weirdo.
So far, so good. (And let me say that the sex has been amazing this past week!) I canít remember the last time I felt so close to him. The problem is that every day that we get closer to actually talking to other people and trying to find someone, the more the excitement and rational thoughts fade and the more the scary negative thoughts take over.
I have someone in mind but he doesnít so itíll take longer for him to find someone but we want to try to sync the timing up so that one of us isnít left alone thinking about the other person getting fucked by someone else.
A few days ago my husband told me he created a profile on a poly dating site and sent a message to a local woman. The message was no big deal, really just a statement about how scary this is and how her picture was a nice one. He didnít even expect a response. Nevertheless, I felt like throwing up because it made me so uneasy. I did look at her picture. It was a very challenging day for me but I processed and we talked it through. I rely a lot on my research and logical thinking and was able to rationalize it. There was no drama, tears or anything, it was just that I had to choose not to react in fear. We had a great day together.
As the days go on though I just feel sadness. Iím insecure and scared and last night I had a total meltdown. My rational mind says that this is perfectly natural and legitimate and that we are in a stable relationship. I hate jealousy because it indicates a sense of ownership. I do not own him and if he truly loves me, he will stay. Blah, blah, blah.... I know all this but now I am so afraid to lose him. I no longer think about the guy I was originally attracted to in an exciting way. Iím just not interested anymore.
But now, Iíve given my husband the idea of an open marriage and the possibilities and I feel like a total selfish monster for pulling back. He and I had come to the same thoughts that this isnít right for us now but I feel like maybe he feels a bit cheated. He says he doesnít but that novelty can only come with others (true).
I want autonomy. I want to be able to let go of him too and be secure but all I can do is cry. This sucks! But I want to grow as a person and I truly want him to be able to experience things he canít with me. Please help with any advice you may have. I read Freetimeís thread today and itís helpful to know that other newbies are feeling powerful emotions and have fears that this could ruin their marriages.
I asked my husband to take down the dating profile he had set up and, god love him, he pulled his computer out right there and deleted it. I didnít mean right that exact minute but it demonstrates how committed he is to my comfort. Iím crying again as I write this because I am a bit ashamed, I wish I had let that desire simmer a bit because as insecure as Iím feeling I really do not want to be ruled by fear and I really do trust him. Arg!!! Today I am emotional but willing to just sit in it and try to go through it and not around it. Have I mentioned that this sucks?
Bottom line: talking about it in the abstract is exciting but as faces and names become attached I feel worse and worse. Abstract- good; specifics/actual- bad.
Itís amazing what a few hours can bring. Iím back to considering this thing but going really slow. Talked to Rider and although heís suffering from a bit of whiplash I think we will probably both put a profile on the poly dating site so we can chat with other polys and go from there. I just donít want to be the person I was last night. I want to be secure and fearless and live with open arms.
We talked some more last night and I told Rider all the things I mentioned above. He said he was surprised by my strong flip. We decided that for now we are not looking for new relationships. We are just learning and looking for some poly friends who we can chat with and ask questions of. We both agree that mono friends may have strong negative reactions to this inquiry and possible lifestyle so for now we want to keep it to ourselves.
We are going to both create profiles on a poly dating site but we are only looking for friends. We mainly want to be able to live chat with people. We have agreed that the conversations cannot be of a dating nature and no sex talk (other than informational), i.e. no sex talk meant to arouse the receiver. We will be in the chat room together many times. No secrets. We are taking baby steps.
If we ever do this I want it to be done because we are as ready as we can be, not because we got sucked into something we canít handle in the heat of all the excitement. This is especially a danger for me and I donít want to have any regrets (well, thatís not possible so let me restate that, I want to have as few regrets as possible). We also agreed that we would sit on any decision for at least 24 hours to make sure itís what we really want before making a change. This whole thing is a roller coaster and my meltdown the other night shows that my emotions can scream one thing while my rational brain whispers another. I donít want to make and unmake decisions in a reactionary fashion.
I did ask Rider to stop wearing his wedding ring because for me it is a symbol of ownership and I want to see him as autonomous. It will also give him the opportunity to be approached by women and flirted with more than if he had it on. My ring doesnít look like a wedding ring and people often donít know Iím married until I mention my husband. We have children so we donít want them to be alarmed. I am still wearing my ring (and probably always will since I am a jewelry person and my husband isnít). Itís logical and doesnít raise too many eyebrows. Today was his first day of not wearing it. Iíve got to say, Iím a little turned on by that (donít know why-silly really).
I am so relieved that Rider suggested we slow down and take baby steps. I donít feel any pressure and Iím able to just enjoy the good vibes my husband is throwing my way. Itís bliss and I can really appreciate him for who he is and how much he loves me. So, feeling great today.
I realize that Iím going to have to stretch myself and allow discomfort so Iím wondering what the next step is. I think itís doing the dating profiles and having conversations with others that Rider and I arenít necessarily privy to. We will each have to trust the other to abide by the rules, which I am truly not concerned about. Rider is the most solid person I know. I absolutely trust that he will abide by our agreement; nevertheless, he will be establishing friendships with women other than me and vice versa. Thatís more than thinking someone looks nice from their picture! Iím ready for the new challenge though (haha, famous last words as Iím learning from all the other newbie posters).