Originally Posted by AutumnalTone
What people say is rather meaningless when what they do indicates something different. Obviously, you *do* want to know every little detail because you went snooping. I'll suggest ferreting out the root of your issue that led to that..
And I suggest that there's a difference between wanting to know every little thing and knowing
something dishonest is happening and needing to find out what it is so it can be handled.
I didn't want to know every detail of hubs relationships, I still don't. But when I know he's lying to me it undercuts everything about our relationship and you cannot have a good relationship when that's going on.
I think some of us are more empathetic and can feel when somebody's not being honest with us, or is doing something that THEY don't feel they should be doing (regardless of what we think about it). They project that out, and I for one can pick up on it right away. So it's not like we sit there thinking "I wonder what's going on, I'll go snoop." What's going on is hubs is acting wierd, his words aren't matching what feelings his projecting, something's odd and wrong and he won't tell me what it is, so I need to find out. (I did wait a LONG time before finally snooping because I didn't want to snoop, but as the days, weeks, months passed I was feeling more and more horrible, didn't trust anything that he said, and was building a resentment in him that was killing our relationship.)
If someone's being honest and forthright with their partner then they don't have to worry about being "found out". Only dishonest people have that worry. If my hubs went through my email I'd not be happy but only because I'd wonder what he's feeling or thinking that he couldn't talk to me about any issues he's having. I'd gladly show him my email, my texts, everything because I have nothing to hide. If showing him that makes him feel better and we can talk about what brought up those feelings, then I'm all for it. I don't need extra privacy because I am not hiding anything.
That said, now that we established that lying doesn't work-- he tells me more about what's going on, I can ask what I need and I give him and his GF as much privacy as they want because I am no longer being lied to.
For those that disagree I have a question.... let's say the OP didn't snoop. Go back to before the snooping happened. She has a feeling over many months that her husband and his GF aren't keeping their boundaries and she's talked to him directly about it and felt he was lying to her. So what should she do? Just go forth thinking her husband is lying and doing things he shouldn't and.... do what?