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Old 06-10-2011, 03:12 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: New England USA
Posts: 1,231

Originally Posted by Overthinker View Post
I know I shouldn't snoop but I did and I can't take it back. There have been several triggers over the past couple months that make me think that he and his gf haven't been following some boundaries and I have found some of my suspicions to be true. Simple things such as she calling my husband while she was on vacation out of state with her husband and family even though her husband specifically asked her not too.
Hi there Overthinker,

Seems I'm a bit late coming to this thread but I'd like to toss out another opinion FWIW.

I hope this doesn't come across wrong - or that I can word it to be received in the spirit it's meant.

I smell something funny !

Although you've posted that your relationship is the best it's been in ages - things of that nature etc - I'm going to cry BS !

From what I can pick up from your writing, it would appear that your relationship is only maintaining a very delicate balance. It seems there's misunderstandings, lack of clarity and lack of trust on both your parts. To me, it seems you both have a LONG way to go before this lovestyle flows naturally for you both.
If my suspicions are right - I'd just admit it ! Then you can really decide how to proceed going forward. As it stands right now it may take only one minor event to tip the whole thing over. You allude to as much yourself in a round-about way.

This is one of the things we've discussed at length here about the concept of "rules & boundaries" and why many people don't even want to hear about them (beyond the big, common sense ones regarding safety etc). If you need all kinds of boundaries to protect fragile egos and personalities you probably need to drop relationships and work on the foundational (personal) stuff first. Trying to do both or one before the other is a high risk adventure that fails more often than it succeeds !

Sending a picture to someone where a relationship already exists- or having a conversation etc are certainly not things that confident people would put up 'boundaries' around. They're simple, harmless things that potentially happen in any close relationship - especially one with a potent injection of NRE. And yes - ANY snooping is a clear sign that the level of trust necessary is not yet there. And sometimes it never will be !

It's one thing to all (both?) be honest, call a spade a spade, and say that history prevents that level of trust from being achieved. There ARE situations like that ! It doesn't mean you can't go forward - only that everyone acknowledges that you can't erase history so simply agree to a different set of tools (monitoring when needed) that connect to the reality. Not a bad thing as long as all are in agreement for the need.

Anyway........that's just my first thought based on how I read your postings.......

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