OK, no more snooping
but it is interesting that all you guys who are so against it are very poly.
Changing boundaries are a very difficult thing to manage and I do feel a great deal of empathy for overthinker. I "innocently" found a lot of very romantic texts when Z gave me an old phone of his while i was between phones. It was devastating to see him saying exactly the same things to J that he texts to me, when I didn't realise their relationship had moved to this level. And stupid things like him telling her he couldn't wait to kiss off her lipstick, while he will never kiss me with lipstick on.
On the other side of the channel guys can find communicating boundary changes that they find subtle and we find huge, really hard.
We solved the problem by him telling me lots about his other relationships.He enjoys it so it isn't a problem and he would expect the same of me because I am expanding my life in many directions at the moment and for the first time in our relationship he is getting a bit insecure.
It sounds to me as if in Overthinker's quad relationship her husband and his girlfriend are more into each other than Overthinker and her boyfriend? I'm
sure this happens a lot and is difficult. There are other quads on this board I think, you should get some advice from them.
Best of luck