Originally Posted by Overthinker
We had agreed specifically that neither one of us would send any sexual pics to our OSO's unless we had sent them already to each other (spouses first)
I on the other hand found out that this happened from doing little snooping............................ He would flip out if he knew how I found out and I haven't told him that I know about it.
My husband and I have been doing a lot of talking about eliminating some boundaries and letting things just evolve on their own.
So I don't know if I am just being petty about this or not.
I want to trust him and not be snooping around but finding things like this don't help out at all.
After some time in relationship dynamics that are more than about two people, having secondaries can get tiring. The rules and boundaries become a ball and chain rather than a pillar of primary relationship strength. Actually, such as in cases like yours, they become a burden and even damaging.
You shouldn't of snooped but asked to see about changing the boundaries, he shouldn't of broken a boundary but should of asked it to be changed. Really, all of you should have privacy within your relationships by the sounds of it. It's time I think.
He might never of sent you a video like that, but you have a different relationship with him. He feels comfortable sending stuff to her. Either you can snoop and pry and get your feelings hurt around that but know about it, or leave it alone and build more trust and confidence that you like such videos. Which do you think is a better choice?
Ya, you are being petty, at least that is how I would feel in your situation. Now he will be angry with you and you are already hurt... I think you should keep it to yourself and not do it again... let go of the boundary (actually that is more of a rule or an agreement as there is no negotiating, you either do it or you don't) and tell him he can send all the dirty pictures he wants. Give him his freedom and likely you will have yours as well.
All the stuff about who is meeting when and for how long or whatever, I would get that out too.... more boundaries that are not functioning for you any more. Time to spring clean no? Renegotiate some new boundaries and get on it quicker next time, before you feel forced to snoop. Boundaries are to be discussed, not policed I think.
Originally Posted by AutumnalTone
Were my wife to go snooping in my email/phone/whatever, that's when I know it would be time to leave.
Yup, me too. I would find it very hard to tolerate anyone that snoops on me. Even a partner. I have very little privacy as it is and what is mine to keep as private, is mine. If I find out anyone is looking at my stuff I would be very angry. I have nothing to hide, but it is a matter of principle. Everyone deserves privacy and the right to have their own things going on and own space.
If a partner or anyone else where interested in what goes on for me I would expect them to ask and give me the curtousy of telling them everything. I like to show people my stuff, it makes me feel like they care about me and are interested in my life. If I knew they snooped that would not equal caring, that would equal lack of trust.
I can understand your concern about him breaking boundaries and not telling you everything, but seriously, the boundaries you have would make me not be able to breath at the point you all seem to be at. They are like a list of rules that suit you and not him...
Boundaries are better as an agreed upon fluid list of general agreements that are not set in stone, but known and understood as common values... such as considering what the others feelings/plans are before making plans together, considering what someone is doing before calling them (at their parents? Don't call), considering that the person might need a check in (on holiday? make a call when you get a chance to let them know you care)... that kind of thing. Mostly around empathy.
Boundaries are not one sided and suit one person. Those are rules I think. They are meant to be for everyone. If someone agrees to something that is not going to work for them, then they shouldn't agree and the negotiation needs to continue.