Thread: New and Scared
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Old 06-09-2011, 09:53 PM
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Carma Carma is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Ohio
Posts: 478

Originally Posted by Bangel View Post
Was your husband always so willing to let you have this freedom or did he have issues with it? If he did how did you overcome these issues? I have never really been a secure person to begin with and right now even less so...

I find myself comparing me to him wondering if he is better than me, is he a better fit for her. I guess these are all normal concerns or feelings but I have got to tell you I don't like them at all. I do want her to be happy, her happiness is my happiness. I am worried about my happiness in this. I know my friend will be happy because he has no one else. I have watched this relationship grow infront of my eyes even when they did not know what was happening, and I was jealous of it then when they said it was nothing and I was just over reacting. I am just not sure if I am strong enough to do this. Where does the strength come from to over come all these negative emotions?

No, he struggled and he still does. He was the one who suggested opening the marriage. He decided it was never going to resolve itself if I had to act like it was over, act like my feelings were gone... it would just be faking, and he knew he would still be suspicious all the time.

He got really crazy for awhile and started secretly recording my bf and I when we would meet up at my house during the day. He wanted to know if we were plotting against him, planning to run off together.
When I found the recorder, I was furious. I had been 100% honest with him (the only good thing about it I guess was the tapes confirmed that!) and he still had major trust issues.

And the comparisons! That was really rough in the beginning. I never compared the two of them, but my husband really did. I do know he never wavered in his faith that no one could love me like he (my husband) does. Still, he felt inadequate in many ways and it really threw him for a loop.

What helped? We went to a great counselor -- poly was new to her but she was familiar with the 60's and 70's "open marriage" concept -- and she worked with my husband one-on-one as well. He needed that sooooo much! Like you, he has been insecure most of his life. Crazy too, since he is a truly beautiful human being, inside and out. She helped boost his confidence greatly, strengthened his sense of self, and validated his feelings about poly -- especially the negative ones he didn't want to vent to me.

Our hope is that the affair with my bf will run its course until he is ready to find a full-time girlfriend and begin a traditional relationship someday. Right now he is in a transitional mode. Eventually he will move on and my husband and I will most likely go back to a monogamous marriage. Poly is really hard but for us it was better than the alternatives.

I'm so glad you have found this forum. It helped us immensely and there are some terrific people here who have walked in similar shoes. Personally, I think they are heroes!
Formerly married to Sundance
Boyfriend -- Butch Cassidy
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