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Old 06-09-2011, 02:02 PM
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stargazer23 stargazer23 is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: South of the Mason-Dixon
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HappiestManAlive View Post
Have you ever fell for someone - maybe a crush, but lets limit it to a longer-lasting, more "meaningful" kind of feeling - while in a committed relationship - that in no way lessened or detracted for your feelings toward your current SO?

If so, that's being poly. Whether you act on it or not determnines whether or not you're "living" poly.

I have come to understand that many people fall for someone and it "flips a switch"; they no longer have meaningful attraction or interest in other potential partners. I guess that's being "mono".

I honestly thought that the former was normal and that white-knuckling your way through a relationship with all these other feelings flying around was just how it was - that's what commitment was, and it was a sacrifice everyone made in order to be with the "chosen one" as it were. I didn't know there were people for whom this was never a problem until I was introduced to poly - and came to learn that MY way of living was the unusual one (according to something I'm sure).

Once the possibility of not limiting my love arose, I have found it very difficult to concieve of living otherwise. As far as actual relationships go - well, they can be difficult, especially in such a "mono-centric" society. And the pain of loss is in no way mitigated - at least not for me - by having others (though it is nice to not go through it alone), something else I find that many "mono" types don't grasp; "but you have backups". How insulting on sooo many levels...

Anyway - if you feel you're limiting your love, you're a poly person "living mono". As I have come to see and understand it, mono's who've found their "one" don't seem to feel this way.

My loose change...
This is about the best damned summation of things from my perspective that I've ever heard another person utter.

The nice thing is that once I opened my mind to options outside of "pick one," I sloooowly began to see all aspects of poly as both relevant and possible for me. If "pick one" doesn't fit then there's a good chance "Pick one primary and have secondaries" may be a concept I outgrow in the future as well. I have done a lot of thought these past years with regards to liberty being a state of mind and therefore, totally under one's own control and a matter of one's internal "permission."

Give yourself permission to think logically and accurately about the cost/benefit/harm analysis of indulging your every need. Begin to see them as valid needs: You love your current partner but wowie! That person over there makes you feel fantastic and opens doors, windows or something for you that your wonderful current partner doesn't "get," not because he/she is lacking, but because her wonderfulness takes care of the other, equally important needs.

Let 'er rip.
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"Although the most acute judges of the witches and even the witches themselves, were convinced of the guilt of witchery, the guilt nevertheless was non-existent. It is thus with all guilt."
-Friedrich Nietzsche

How can you claim to love someone with all your heart if you can't stand to let them love with all of theirs?
-me
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