I think I might be coming to the end of my time with Leo... we just aren't able to communicate effectively and on the same level.
It seems that everything comes back to his anxiety, depression, etc... essentially, to him and his concerns and idiosyncrasies. Even if I ask him to look at mine.
It kind of got a bit crazy this weekend on many levels, but with Leo it just carries on being crazy...
He went out on Saturday and sent me a text from the place he was at to tell me a song was playing that he and I share the love of. It reminds us of one another. It was 2 am when he texted. I got it in the morning and asked him where he was at and how his night came about as he never leaves his house usually let alone stays out that late. I was surprised.
It turns out he went out with a highschool buddy and they went bar hopping and ended up at the strippers. No biggy to me, other than he has told me he can't go to my burlesque show this weekend or ever because of his social anxiety.... *huh*???!!! I was confused.
So I asked him why he could go to the strippers and not burlesque. He said that he could hang out with his old friend anywhere and that he takes care of him. He wouldn't be able to with my show because he would have no one to hang out with. I told him all the people that would be there and he said no, he couldn't. I asked him why not and that I didn't believe that was all of it for him. He started to get angry with me and told me I cause too much drama in his life, he doesn't care what I think and that I am a difficult communicator.
I asked him to explain to me his anxiety because I don't get how it works and he continued to go off on me saying that by saying good night, that I am passive aggressive... sigh, I was just tired and wanted to go to bed. Saying that he doesn't tell me stuff about his swinging because I get emotional about it and he can't handle the drama and now he can't tell me anything about anything because I over analyse. He is frustrated that he thinks that I am okay and then I email him with details that he thinks are not worth going over... sigh...
I ended up saying next to nothing in return and basically apologizing for not accepting his explanation and told him that I was just sad, hurt and disappointed that he won't ever come. That was it. What's the point in saying more.
I am what I am. What can I say. I like to analyse, I like to see people more than once a month so that I don't go loopy thinking about stuff that isn't true ie. becoming unsure that I am loved and cared for, that everything between me and the person is okay, I become fearful, anxious and wonder if my worth to them is still there... I did warn him and ask him to see me more, but he said no.
I suspect that he has been keeping things from me for some time in regards to his life so as to spare me hurt. It's like cheating to me... so I might not feel comfortable that he swings and has sex with people I know... so that means it should be hidden? Last time I heard something about that I just said I was glad he had a good time. What else am I suppose to say when someone brags about fucking one of my friends? What is there to brag about? Ya, go you!... I dunno. That is what I said and then sat their awkwardly, because I didn't know how to respond.
So, we have a date next week and really, well, what's the point at this point. He doesn't want to attempt to be part of my life in ways that are important to me, so why bother... Mono says I should scale back to acquaintance or family friend. Maybe that is a good idea... PN thinks its savable, he gave me some good ideas about what to say and I took his advice when I wrote my short note of apology and expressing how I feel.
One thing is for sure; it was not okay for him to talk to me the way he did and I will be letting him know that when I see him. I will not let pass that he said some hurtful things to me that I will not be letting go of any time soon.
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