Originally Posted by Bangel
I guess what I do not understand is what makes this so wonderful? What does everyone get out of this? What is the benefits? For someone like me who is mono it just seems like cheating with permission.
Well, Bangel, your introduction to the topic was far from ideal! Far better would have been a discussion of the subject prior to your wife falling in love with your best friend! I can't imagine more difficult ways to begin to explore the poly world.
That said, I do think polyamory is wonderful and that there are many, many benefits to poly as contrasted with monogamy. One benefit is that for most human beings, variety really is
the spice of life. I hope it's also obvious that one can ruin a good soup by over-spicing it. (Which reminds me..., heh, did you know that the plural of spouse is spice?) It is my opinion that non-monogamy is far more innate and natural for us humans than monogamy -- though we've all had the reverse pounded into us from since we were knee high to a grasshopper. So, as I see it, polyamory is one of the best ways to be honest and express our true nature as human beings.
I don't believe real human loving is either possessive or essentially fearful in quality. Quite the opposite, really. So, as I see it, the practice of polyamory is a sort of spiritual practice which deepens both our experience of and understanding about love. (This view, of course, contrasts sharply with much of religion, but so what?)
It's crucial that we understand how intensely conditioned we've been by the conventional monogmistic notions of love we were raised up within, and stay mindful of this fact while we ride the waves of emotion which inevitably come up as we deal with situations like yours. Monogamy is our culture's "default setting" for notions of love, but that's no excuse for resentment or anger or fearful demands and expectations. These feelings may come up, but
you are now challenged with finding tenderness and love despite them, beyond them. You don't have to choose the poly life. It isn't something that can be imposed upon you. But you can take these apparent lemons and add some honey and water and make some lemonaide. Sometimes love requires us to face seemingly insurmountable hurdles which can deepen our love beyond measure, if we allow it.