Concerned about my own intentions and motivation
I am currently single and on the verge of entering into a relationship with a married couple that I have been sexually involved and friends with. The idea of the relationship is exciting and different (never done this before!) and I enjoy them both...
However, I am concerned that I might not be entering the relationship for the best reasons. I have a feeling that the reason I am so open now to something I wouldn't have considered before is that my personal life is lacking and I am vulnerable and lonely. My family has pretty much fallen apart recently and I had been feeling rather orphaned and alone and unwanted...this couple seems to be filling some of those voids but is that healthy? They are a little older than me...she is very calm and rather maternal and I find her presence calming. He is very warm and open and accepting. I feel wanted all of a sudden.
My concern is that I might, by continuing this and getting closer, be using them to sooth myself in the aftermath of recent trauma and that long term, I might not have interest and end up hurting them. Originally, it was supposed to just be sexual but we have gone beyond that.
I have been involved in a series of cold, meaningless sexual relationships with men who were uncaring and indifferent to me. Sadly, because of this, I was surprised when after our last encounter, they talked to me and hugged me. It felt so foreign...and good.
Any words of advice? Am I simply going to an extreme to fill voids that were left by family members and friends? Can intense loneliness cause someone to enter into uncommon relationships that they would normally reject the idea of? I don't want to hurt them...I want them around and it feels good...but I also can't ignore the desire I have always had to meet a decent guy and have a traditional, monogamous marriage. That will eventually rear its head and cause issues I would imagine.
Sorry so long