It's been nearly six months since either of us has said anything new here. Suppose now is as good a time as any.
In January Pan and I had to move in with my parents. A tough enough situation on its own, without bringing in to the picture another woman. Add to that the fact that my sister and her partner were already living with my parents, and that we hadn't come out to anyone. Fun times all around.
At my parents house, we were confined, space-wise, to one bedroom. This being the case, and that I have always considered our bedroom to be a sanctuary of sorts for myself, things got very uncomfortable. I insisted, to begin with, that no hanky-panky go on in my parent's house, out of respect for my mom and dad. Eventually, I gave in, asking that they simply refrain from doing their business on the bed that Pan and I share (I still have this idea in my head that the bed a man and woman share should be sacred to those two people alone; old fashioned, I know, but I am a mix of contemporary and old fashioned ideas and always have been...which is probably a large source of my problems).
But I have always struggled with jealousy and territorialism, and having my "sacred space" defiled-as unhealthy as that idea is in our situation, that is exactly how I felt- was an almost constant fight between not only Pan and I, but between me and myself. I want so very much to not be jealous; to not be so demanding; to not require that he give up something that he enjoys. He has every right to live his life the way that makes him happy, and I have no right to tell him he can't. Wife or no.
In February, shortly after Valentine's Day, Mouse and Pan broke up. I'm certain that all the restrictions I put on their relationship had quite a lot to do with it. I can't say that I was either sad or surprised by it, but I am sad that it didn't work out the way Pan had wanted.
I was, and am, working on my jealousy and self-worth issues. And I am so happy that Pan is as kind and understanding and patient as he is. I couldn't have found a better partner to help me transition into poly if I tried.
Pan, I love you so much.