Thread: Break-up Styles
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Old 06-08-2011, 05:01 AM
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stargazer23 stargazer23 is offline
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I have just been through my first poly/poly "breakup." I talked a little about it here: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=8772 This is SOOOO relevant to me right now.

To sum: We'd been on and off for about three years but I didn't start feeling serious about him until about January of this year and didn't let myself succumb until like Feb. In March, we established a "fluid bond" and just a few weeks ago, I asked for primary status which he'd initially stated was "workable" but that he didn't want to "make any promises he couldn't keep." Later, when asked (and after I admitted to being in love with him) he became defensive to my trying to "nail him down." Next day, he ended the relationship abruptly. There was no compromise. It was not open to discussion for him. I asked for something he couldn't give and it was O-V-E-R. Period.

He was pretty kool about letting me process and ask questions for the first night (and I was exhaustive about needing questions answered). I felt at the time like it was so sudden: I went into the discussion pretty secure in thinking we were going to work something out that made us both happy. I went home early, empty-handed, utterly dejected and wondering what the eff just happened. That night, I called and he let me me agonize over it for almost 2 hours. (I even tried to "work it out" with him so we could move on and continue the relationship. *gag*).

The next day started out okay but I pissed him off by pushing too hard for some facetime with him. He remained annoyed at me for a couple days.

Day four, I established as my "catharsis day." I wrote him an exhaustive letter that was gut-wrenchingly honest about my feelings on basically everything. I told myself before I clicked "send" that this would be the last time I would allow myself to bring it up with him ever again and that I'd better get it all out of my system. Then, I made plans to go out and work my problems out on the dancefloor.

Best thing I ever did. I feel 90% back to normal. That is to say: I have moved on, gotten over it and do not feel any agony over it. I feel ready to find others to love wholeheartedly and with no reservation (but then, we are always open to that possibility, anyway, right?) and we have had lunch and talked since (he brought it up this time, not me) and we're still friends.

The one thing I left out of the letter: How I think it's utter bullshit that he broke it off "to spare my feelings" and because he didn't want to "take a gamble with the friendship." These very reasons in and of themselves have done some damage to the friendship. The "spare my feelings" bit flies in the face of the mutual respect/trust thing I thought we had because I have never needed or wanted to be protected from "getting hurt" and I honestly believed we were transcendent of such nonsense.

The "taking a gamble" thing is trash because I feel that:
1. It's too late for that. We already made the decision buy the ticket and take the ride. You don't get to jump off in the middle and tuck n roll your way out the very first time you run into a snag without retaining some scratches.
2. The way he did it gave me zero say in the matter. My input was a zero factor. My willingness to talk it out, compromise and meet him halfway meant nothing. He made up his mind and executed and nothing I had to say was going to sway him at all.

That remaining 10% sprouts from this and from my own regrets about how I handled asking for what I wanted.

I feel some reservations and discomfort about him now. It's not overwhelming--we have always laughed a lot and agreed on a lot and I still feel like we'd make an awesome team in some fashion--but it's there. I can not get out of my head how he just decided to axe me so swiftly and easily and can not help but find his stated motives dubious. I can never tell him these things because they would only serve to cause more damage when all I really want is to generate positivity for both of us.

I know he wants the same so...

All-in-all, I'm happy with how I handled it. Not perfect but it worked out.
__________________
"Although the most acute judges of the witches and even the witches themselves, were convinced of the guilt of witchery, the guilt nevertheless was non-existent. It is thus with all guilt."
-Friedrich Nietzsche

How can you claim to love someone with all your heart if you can't stand to let them love with all of theirs?
-me

Last edited by stargazer23; 06-08-2011 at 05:03 AM.
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