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Old 06-08-2011, 04:42 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Seattle-ish
Posts: 826

Just a little side trip here - is she not ok now with you having a local paramour because at the time you were discussing wanting it, you already HAD two women you were in deeply emotional LDR's with?

New poly is scary. my husband has gone from saying he'd OK with one relationship to thinking 4-5 of varying intensities would be fine with him. I'm not going to throw stones at her, If she's already been trying hard to be fine with two relationship that you obviously feel pretty intensely about, no wonder she might be scared of you demanding you be able to have a third one. She might be wondering if you really want to have any emotional time or energy left for her, or if she's just an afterthought.

Just a good thing to discuss with her. Will you have more attention for her, or less, if you find a close local relationship? Will you have more or less energy? She can probably feel when you are distracted and sad and missing the relationships with the long distance people, she might think if you have a local girlfriend that would be multiplied by 100x. Just try to look at it from her viewpoint for a bit, maybe if you can alleviate some of her concerns, or make her see how your relationship would be better if you're getting what you are asking for - she would be more willing to be OK with what you want and work with you on it.

EDIT: this is the second time I've responded to a thread because I thought I'd reached its end without realizing I hadn't - but instead of reading the last bit now and figuring out how to edit my advice, I'll just leave it.

I do believe in going at the pace of the person struggling the most. I also believe if you can't live with the slow pace, then it's time to make a decision about what is more important, poly the way you want it now, or keeping the original relationship. If there is some ultimatum you KNOW you need at some point down the road, I think your SO should know it's just that, an ultimatum, that if they wont grow to accept it at some point, you're out of there.

I think this avoids them giving you more and more leeway that makes them uncomfortable, trying to please and keep you - then feeling 2 years from now that they've been screwed. Hating you and blaming polyamory for the outcome.
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.

Last edited by Anneintherain; 06-08-2011 at 04:55 AM.
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