Thread: First Hurt
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Old 10-07-2009, 04:15 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
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Originally Posted by PickMoreDaisies View Post
He claims to love me and every minute that we spend together, yet he sees no future in it.

I am hurt that he let it continue with the idea that it was never going to work anyway. What was the point exactly?

I can't add any more right now...
This is not an uncommon feeling for a person in his situation I believe. I had the same one at a point in my own relationship.

There are things in life he may not have experienced and that is what he feels he will be missing. Has he been married before, celebrated a wedding with his family, raised his own children, experienced a primary family dynamic, taken his wife to a BBQ with his co-workers and felt like part of his community just like everyone else?

These are things he might feel he will never experience in a poly environment...and probably from a "socially" normal standpoint he won't within his relationship as part of a "V".

There is also probably a sense of never having someone for himself which, as much as it is frowned upon here, is a basic need for a lot of people in a relationship. He may also be wondering who else will enter the relationship. Is it an open poly family or a polyfi commitment?

The fact that he can love you and see no future in it is not that surprising. It is how you and he deal with that that is important. If you are both willing to let the relationship continue on its natural path than perhaps you will be able to get as much positive energy and love as is possible. Is that not better than throwing in the towel prematurely?

He may change his mind, he may not. I did… but I also experienced all the things I mentioned and enjoy being in a support role to Redpepper and her husband.

As far as his wanting space from your husband, it would be hard to live separate lives and that indicates he really doesn't want to be in a "v". He is almost pretending that as long as it lasts, it is you and him….an artificial reality if you will. I've done that too but not with Redpepper's husband. There is a certain external embracement that comes into play in this type of dynamic that is injected by people who he may consider his friends. I lost a world of friends…but I knew this path was worth it because I saw a future in it and am willing to accept the "cost" if you will to achieve that. I lost a lot of surface friends but gained one very close friend in her husband.

I hope this gave some insight
Take care

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