Thread: First Hurt
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Old 10-07-2009, 03:14 PM
PickMoreDaisies PickMoreDaisies is offline
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: BC, Canada
Posts: 37
Default First Hurt

I am new to this board but I have found everyone's posts very helpful and enlightening. I am in a mess I guess, but I will explain the situation as best I can...and hopefully just be heard and get some new perspectives. So here it goes...

I am in a long-term committed relationship with my common-law husband of 7 years and we are happier than ever. We have three kids in our blended family. They all live with us. We have both been divorced once. My previous marriage was an open marriage and failed miserably. In his previous marraige they were swingers. Although I do not believe that either of our marriages failed as a result of our particular lifestyle choices, I felt for most of our relationship that adding that dimension to this relationship was just a recipe for disaster.

About five months ago we became involved with a man that we have known for many years. At first it was just playing around but I quickly developed feelings for him and him for me. I have felt liberated in this situation. My CommonLaw Partner...lets call him CLP...has been more than I ever imagined him to be. The communication that it has opened up in our relationship has strengthened our bond. I finally feel accepted for who I am...even loved more because of it.

Although CLP is not bi he felt that the relationship with the three of us strengthened their friendship and enjoyed having this third in our life. While things were good on our front things with the bf were complicated and it became increasingly obvious that he was not able to handle many things. Needless to say it became a very seperate V situation, to the dismay of CLP who enjoys the group dynamic and felt excluded, rather than "one big happy".

I have tried to accept that this person...lets call him SL....does not share a poly mindset. Both CLP and I have made adjustments to our expectations and reevaluated our "rules" to accomodate his needs and comfort levels. While I accept him and his feelings, he seems to not be able to accept mine. Thus the current problem.

I feel that his needs have been so important and both CLP and I have tried everything to not make him feel like a "third". We have included him in family life, had long discussions about what his needs are and how important they are to us. Now he claims that it can never go anywhere and feels that it is doomed to failure. I feel that all of the work was for nothing and now after it all I am left hurt. He claims to love me and every minute that we spend together, yet he sees no future in it.

I am hurt that he let it continue with the idea that it was never going to work anyway. What was the point exactly?

I can't add any more right now...
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