Originally Posted by Anneintherain
Well obviously you needed the braveness and boldness to say HEY wait a minute, I'd like to talk to you in private. This 24-7 itinerary for the three of us isn't going to work, I would like some time alone with you, which is why I am here. Of course hindsight being 20-20 and all... It sounds like a lot of honest communication really needs to happen here. I don't blame you for having the emotional reaction you did to walking in on them having great sex, but your reaction might have been just as much about the emotional roller coaster the whole thing was causing.
You're absolutely right. I should have spoken up way before I let things progress that far. The OSO seemed to be uncomfortable as well (this is her first attempt at poly as well), but neither of us said anything. Honestly, I would have been OK with meeting her and spending the day together, but would have preferred to have the nights with him. After all, she has him all the time... is that selfish?Again, to beat a dead horse - there seem to be a dozen times in your story where you would have benefited from being honest and upfront and saying you didn't like the situation, weren't comfortable, that things were moving too fast, that you wanted to spend some time alone with him to discuss what was happening... Hard thing to do for some people, especially in the middle of a tornado like that.
I don't know if you didn't speak up because the situation was SO crazy and overwhelming, because you wanted to make a good impression on her, if you were worried about not being liked if you didn't go along with the plan,
All true here. I was concerned that me voicing my discomfort would be an indication that I am not open minded enough for the relationship which is not the case. I just need time to process things... If you are going to keep on with this relationship, I'd sit down and write some of these things you need to say out ahead of time so you could be prepared to stick to the script, and get the difficult things said. Ask for what you want. Speak up if somebody is trampling on your boundaries or feelings.
Wishing you luck, it sounds like you have something with him you hope are working out, so I hope you're able to sort this all out.
This was such good advice! He has backed off and let me have my time to think. In the meantime, I am sure he has spoken with his OSO about the situation.
I have realized that:
1) If I am going to travel to see him, I will NEED one on one time with him. If he wants to have a dinner or something with all three of us from time to time, that's fine, but I don't see why we have to be bosom buddies
2) I am not opposed to exploring my curiosity about women with someone he is not emotionally attached to. I already know that I can't deal with watching him have sex with his OSO in my presence. I am aware of it, but I don't need to see it (does that go against true polyamorism?)
3) He should not have forced his fantasy on either of us so quickly. I am not saying that I may not grow to like or respect (maybe love) her at some point, but I need to do things on my own time...
Now my only concern is trying to get the images and sounds of them making love right next to me out of my brain. I think it's going to effect my sexual encounters with him in the future. The memories don't drive me to tears anymore, but they still sting...