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Old 06-06-2011, 07:44 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Seattle-ish
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Phew, well I don't need to go on about how fucked up that situation was.

I am going to say, whether this relationship works out or not, that you need to get a handle on some serious communication skills. Especially as you said the answers you gave to questions he asked were different because it wasn't just you and him talking, and she was present. I think poly success really needs people to give the same (honest) responses about what you think no matter the situation or people present.

Well obviously you needed the braveness and boldness to say HEY wait a minute, I'd like to talk to you in private. This 24-7 itinerary for the three of us isn't going to work, I would like some time alone with you, which is why I am here. Of course hindsight being 20-20 and all... It sounds like a lot of honest communication really needs to happen here. I don't blame you for having the emotional reaction you did to walking in on them having great sex, but your reaction might have been just as much about the emotional roller coaster the whole thing was causing.

It is a shitty thing that they had thought about it and talked about it and had an itinerary planned, but you were left out of this and surprised with it. You didn't fly out that weekend to be invited to be in a relationship with them. I am guessing in general you probably can deal with their sexual relationship much more objectively, but some people don't want it in their faces, and it sounds like you need to let him know that is the case for you now. I wouldn't say that means that poly is not right for you at all. I'd say being thrown into group sex with a stranger when you had no clue your bf was interested in that happening or bothered to mention hoping that would happen on your visit isn't right for you.

Again, to beat a dead horse - there seem to be a dozen times in your story where you would have benefited from being honest and upfront and saying you didn't like the situation, weren't comfortable, that things were moving too fast, that you wanted to spend some time alone with him to discuss what was happening... Hard thing to do for some people, especially in the middle of a tornado like that.

I don't know if you didn't speak up because the situation was SO crazy and overwhelming, because you wanted to make a good impression on her, if you were worried about not being liked if you didn't go along with the plan, if you had some sort of obligation to go along with it since he paid your way there or what. If you are going to keep on with this relationship, I'd sit down and write some of these things you need to say out ahead of time so you could be prepared to stick to the script, and get the difficult things said. Ask for what you want. Speak up if somebody is trampling on your boundaries or feelings.

Wishing you luck, it sounds like you have something with him you hope are working out, so I hope you're able to sort this all out.
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Last edited by Anneintherain; 06-06-2011 at 07:55 PM.
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