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Old 06-06-2011, 02:56 PM
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vixtresses vixtresses is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: South Florida
Posts: 107
Default Vixtresses' Blog (Mostly Ramblings)

Well, I posted an introduction already, but I've still got stuff bouncing around in my head, so I figured this is a good place to set it down.

One thing that DF and I mentioned with some wry amusement during our discussion about this whole poly (or open, I guess, we haven't really come to any distinct conclusion yet or nailed down exactly what we are yet) thing was that while it would be likely quite challenging to meet and pursue a relationship with someone who's open to the idea of a poly relationship, it would probably be pretty easy to enter into side relationships where the other people believe that we're having an affair with them. We thought that was funny, but really kind of sad, too. We definitely decided that we weren't after an affair, or even a fake affair (that just seems too flaky and dishonest to the other people, even if we were transparent about it with each other).

I was really proud of DF for admitting that he'd gotten kind of bored lately. I know it's not that he's bored with me, or that he thinks I'm unattractive, or that he doesn't want me anymore, it's just... well, it's been same old, same old for years now. He actually told me he'd been struggling with the temptation to just jump into a fling of some kind, just out of a need for something more. It actually sounds kind of bad when I type it out like this, but it didn't sound bad when we spoke, and it didn't and doesn't FEEL bad now, so... *shrug*

I'm not sure what I'll do about this current attraction of mine, though. Right now I'm busy with work and school, so I haven't seen him as frequently as I'm used to. I could just let things progress "naturally", in a physical sense, and just not beat myself up over things like caresses or cuddles and such, and things may or may not even get any further than that. We're already pretty close in terms of our friendship, I care lots about him and he cares lots about me, but we've described it as a brother/sister thing before. He's since modified that to something like "Well, I care about you with the devotion I would have to a sister, but you're nothing like my sister; that would be weird!" I guess I shouldn't have let us get this close before having discussed poly with DF, but I really wasn't planning on us being anything more than friends.

I can't help but think it would be pretty dishonest to my attraction to just let things happen on their own without full disclosure. Like, he would need to know that he wasn't on the way to replacing DF or anything like that. On the other hand, I'm sort of worried I'll kill the flow of things if we have a Serious Discussion like that. Then again, if a Serious Discussion kills things, they probably had better off be killed early anyway. Bah. I don't know. I'm going to have to think on this for a while. I know I'm going to have to talk to him, I'm just not sure what I'll say or how I'll say it.

Another thing I'm thinking about now that DF and I have had a successful conversation about expanding our relationship is a situation from years ago that was somewhat similar to this one. I had a guy friend who I grew gradually closer to over time, and he eventually developed strong feelings for me. I don't think polyamory even occurred to either of us, and I wasn't going to break up with DF (well, DBF at the time, since we weren't engaged), and it was a really painful, messy, long, drawn out situation. We ended up pulling away from each other more than once, trying to weed out these pesky romantic feelings by adding distance. Eventually we had to cease contact entirely, and there was definitely some resentment all around, including on DF's part, since he was not happy that I was finding any kind of emotional fulfillment in anybody else (I think that was more a feeling of betrayal, though, since we were trying to be monogamous). I can't help but wonder if that situation could have been managed better if we'd learned about poly earlier. Maybe it wouldn't have worked out into a V or triad or anything, but at least I would have been able to better navigate the situation without so many hurt feelings. I still feel bad about that, although I am happy that the guy found a spouse and apparently healed.

I guess that's all for today. Well, for now, anyway. I could end up posting another schpiel this afternoon.
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