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Old 06-06-2011, 09:31 AM
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rory rory is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Europe
Posts: 497
Default Loving freely or controlling emotions?

I stumbled into poly sort of accidentally. I did know some people in polyamorous relationships but hadn't really considered one myself, mostly because I thought it unlikely to be able to find someone compatible who would be ok with me having a husband. However, I met a woman and ended up in one, i.e. with a girlfriend and a husband. After that, I have been doing a lot of reading about poly, here and elsewhere, and it has somewhat changed my perspective.

It seems there are different ways of "living poly". Some people seem to be open to letting relationships become romantic if they feel like it. Something like not limiting one's love, even if it is not reciprocated. In the other end there are people who (or whose partner) happened to fall in love with somebody new, and they are working to make poly work, and not considering additional partners. And then everything in between.

I guess what I'm wondering is where do I fit, or, more specifically, what do I want and how do I want to live. I'm not expecting anybody here to have the answer for me.

I'm having some difficulties with wrapping my head around the concept of letting oneself freely love other people. On one hand, on theoretical level it sounds sort of fabulous. And it feels like it might be "the most natural way" for me. But on the other, on practical level I find the idea somewhat scary. I mean, it differs so much from what I'm used to. I've had a few strong crushes on my friends, and usually I've worked on getting over them by "talking myself out of it". I've sometimes tried to spend less time with them, othertimes I've sort of tried to find reasons why a romantic relationship wouldn't have worked for us anyway.

As I write that it sort of doesn't sound healthy to me. I guess a lot of people do it somewhat like that in monogamous relationships. You're expected to come to a conclusion that there could not be a person out there who was as (or more) compatible to you as your current partner is; if something contradicts that it may mean you've made the wrong choice, and you can deal with that only by breaking up or by settling because you're committed. Does anybody else feel this is how mainstream culture views crushing on or falling in love with someone else while in a relationship?

How is it then I want to perceive love? Is it what I want to do, to let myself fall in love with somebody even if there is no future for us? Should I just accept my feelings for somebody as they are? Does it have to hurt (as we are taught) to have somebody you love not love you back? What if the feelings are mutual but the situation doesn't allow a (romantic) relationship, e.g. one of you has a monogamous relationship or a polyamorous relationship to multiple partners and has no time for another relationship? Can you still accept the feelings and yet be able to move on (i.e. not hurt)?

The questions above are rhetorical; I'm just pondering. Feel free to comment any thoughts that come to mind.

Last edited by rory; 06-06-2011 at 11:43 AM. Reason: to clarify my situation
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