Thread: Hiding pain
View Single Post
Old 06-05-2011, 08:31 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

Originally Posted by sinew View Post
They need to remember that even though it seems like they're doing the right thing when they ask me "so, can we do X, now?", it really just puts me on the spot. I feel I can only say yes if I want them to be happy, and no if I want to stand in the way of their happiness.
I think one way to derail being put on the spot is for all of you (perhaps you and Charlie first, then meet again all together) to set up boundaries and ground rules that cover everything -- or as much as possible. Maybe start making a list of your concerns, things that are important to you, how you want to be treated, and then schedule a time to talk. Then, make sure they both understand all the points of these rules (by having them repeat back to you, or discuss it).

This way everyone knows up front what they can and cannot do going forward and no one has to then ask you if something is okay. You can even put a time frame on it, like here is what I can live with for the next three months, of five, or six, whatever. Then you all meet again after that time period is up and discuss any problems, successes, etc.

If they ask for something AFTER boundaries are established, that probably means that either something came up that hadn't been discussed, or that they are attempting to cross those boundaries and renegotiation is in order. But make sure that you are not a patsy to be walked all over, that you do not want to be pitted against the two of them (Charlie is YOUR husband after all), and these are your terms in order to go along with it. They should know that you are coming back, very bravely, from being cheated on and that is no easy feat. More sensitivity on their parts is called for, I think.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.

Last edited by nycindie; 06-05-2011 at 08:35 PM.
Reply With Quote