Had A Newbie Meltdown this Weekend
I will try to keep this short, but I at least wanted to provide some background...
After numerous failed attempts at monogamous relationships, I decided to just take care of myself for a while and not date anyone. Along comes the most wonderful man I have ever met. He is attentive, sweet, kind, intelligent, and did I mention attractive? By far, this is the most amazing man I have ever been with. He was honest with me during our first phone conversation a few months ago and told me where he stood on open relationships. I didn't know much about it, so I decided to read up on it and give it a try. Since then, he has been honest with me about what he's been doing, and surprisingly, I have been accepting. He told me about one other woman that he is dating seriously and mentions her quite often. I was OK with that. I am even OK with him talking about her and showing me pictures, etc. He has even told me when they've been together sexually (without details) and I have been fine with that... but...
This weekend was a "game changer" for me. I don't live in the same state as he and the other woman, but he flies me in every couple of weeks and we always have a great time together. He most recently took me on an amazing vacation (which he admitted made the other woman uneasy).
Anyway, as I am preparing to get ready to visit him this weekend, he calls me the night before with the other woman on three way (no pun intended). First, I was hit blindside with this, but I was cordial and she does seem really nice. He then proceeds to tell us that he would like us to meet face to face. I think I was OK with that as well, but then he sends out a two day itenirary for the weekend complete with movie dates, dinners, etc. for ALL THREE OF US!! That made me uneasy, but I made the mistake of not saying anything about it. First, I didn't want to seem like a whiny brat and I am still afraid of abandonment. I felt like if I would have expressed discomfort with the situation that I would have been dismissed.
Sorry this is long, but I need help. So I get there Friday and they pick me up together. Even though I am not the most comfortable, I really try to get to know her and bond with her and have a good time. I'm not gonna even talk about how awkward it was to be prancing around the streets holding hands with him in the middle... yet I digress. I was really trying guys, but but the end of the day, I was ready for her to go home and give us some alone time. After all, she gets him all the time by being in the same state. She could have let me have some time with him for a weekend.
So after an ENTIRE day as a triad, he invites us back to his place and wants ot have a long, deep conversation about the "relationship" complete with questions. Remember, I just met this woman and don't really know her, so my answers were totally different than if it would have been me and the guy one-on-one.
Fast forward to bedtime...I'm sure you can quess what happened. Of course, he wanted us to have this amazing threesome. That didn't happen. In fact, both of us were uncomfortable.
Here comes the meltdown part. Again, I am SO new to this whole polyamory thing. I have admitted to him that I have always been bicurious and wanted to try sleeping with a woman. During our vacation, that became clear as we had an exhilarating experience with a woman we met and both liked. However, I was not comfortable sleeping with HER. She's totally beautiful, but I find it hard to be sexually attracted to someone he has feelings for.
So intially, he tried to start having sex with me and get her involved. She stopped and proceeded to tell us to continue. That was awkward for me and I thought she was uncomfortable with it, so I passed him off to her. Though it was less than favorable for me to be in the same bed with him having sex with someone he has feelings for, I really tried to go along with it because I knew that's what he wanted. So they... finished and he decides its my turn. I didn't even climax because I was SO uncomfortable. I tried my best, but it was totally different than it ever has been, and I'm sure he sensed it.
So after the "escapade" I could tell everyone was dozing off, so I went to the bathroom. I come back to him F---ing her again and REALLY enjoying it. I don't know if she got turned on watching us or if she was competing, but they both were obviously having a good time... It absolutely gutted me. To watch him having so much pleasure with someone else he cares about made me weak in the knees. At one point I thought I was going to throw up from the emotional impact of it.
So... to deal with it, I did what comes normal in tough emotional situations... I totally detached. I honestly had to put myself in a different headspace in order to cope because I was stuck. It was heart wrenching. So I FINALLY went to sleep on the far end of the bed with my back turned to them (they were snuggled up anyway. It was like I wasn't there) and fought back tears until the next morning.
The next morning he wanted us to go through our second day of itinerary, but I couldn't do it. When I was FINALLY able to get him alone for a moment, I asked him to get me a flight back early. I also admitted to him that the night before was more than I could take and that I didn't think I would be able to handle this whole polyamory thing. Of course I didn't get a chance to go into detail because the other woman came back around.
He begged me not to leave and apologized for putting me in the situation, but I couldn't be around it anymore. Before THEY dropped me off at the airport, he took me aside and asked me to think about things before I made any rash decisions to cut him out of my life. By then, the floodgates had opened and I was bawling my eyes out.
I don't know what to do. Even an entire day later, if I think about the sights and sounds of him F---ing her that second time, I get totally emotional. It's like that image is burned in my brain and it's killing me. I really do have feelings for this man, but don't know if I could even sleep with him again one on one without that image coming to haunt me. I asked him to give me a couple of days to process everything and we would talk later. Since then he has been reaching out to me via text telling me to relax and that he wants me in his life...
I am so confused. I'm not angry with him or her. I am just devastated by my reaction to the weekend. Am I not cut out for this? I don't want to lose him, and I am still OK with him dating the other woman... I just don't understand why I have to F--- her and hang out with her to make this work.
I know this is long, but I really need help!!! What should I do?