Thread: Break-up Styles
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Old 06-05-2011, 08:40 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Seattle-ish
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I worry a lot about breakups. In my teenager-hood, breakups tended to be about breaking up with people who cheated on me because I wouldn't sleep with them, later because they seemed too cowardly to just say "let's break up" instead of acting badly so I would break up with them.

When I met my first husband I was "dating" somebody...I...think? They were very un-sexual, and it was me trying to make thing happen, so when I suddenly met cough "the one" I felt somewhat badly, but not too horrible since I wasn't even sure if the other guys claims about trying to figure out whether to stay around or taking a job in another country was really about wanting to stay with ME or not, since he wasn't particularly verbally expressive.

This stage in poly is stressful to me. my first serious poly relationship led to a second marriage - I do always wonder if I might stay in a relationship that was less than ideal in order to avoid dealing with a black/white breakup. My current husband and I almost broke up a few times, and that was the first time I was every in a relationship that fell within some grey iffy "will it last or not" period

Now that I am back on the "market" I am concerned with this. My husband thought I was looking to jump into a relationship in general, because he was dating, more than waiting to find an ideal partner that fit my needs, and I know I'm not objective enough (or have had enough relationships in general) to know if am hoping that what is currently going on is a blessing or a curse for my life in the long run.

Will I be brave enough to break up with somebody in person? Should I do it vie email for ease...Yes, when I broke up with that guy I didn't even know if I was dating or not, to marry my ex almost 20 years ago, I sent that other guy a wedding invitation to let him know "see I only stopped "dating" you because THE ONE came along, so don't feel bad...

That all seems so ludicrous now, but I do admit I worry about how to break up with any future relationships, how to decide if it is time, knowing how to do it in the least traumatic way...I think I know there will be people I learn to love that I don't want to stay with - and I don't know how to deal with it then.

My ex-husband and I broke up due to really painful circumstances after 11-12 years, but really a friendship based on that many years was worth its weight in gold, so I would say 6 years later, he is the person who knows or understands me the best, so though things have been stressful at times, though we did not have some period of avoiding each other to heal, and we tried to keep dating (epic failure) right after, stayed friends for $ (on my part, divorce agreement to split my student loans because they were used for living expenses for both of use - was SO scared if we became alienated from each other he'd skip out on that long term obligation..) really if a crazy mistake ends up with a break up, if I see how there is value in people who have hurt you, if they have seen you grow up and change and blossom...I can't be black or white about this, as I truly thought my breakup with my first husband which would be a big ending - but it has become a great sounding board, friendship, advice and center of love, that I never saw happening.

Ok, truth is, my now 2nd HARDCORE I AM POLY husband said that he didn't think he would ever marry somebody who wasn't friends with their exes...not sure it would have turned out so splendidly if I didn't have that expectation from him... my ex broke every single agreement we had, including safe sex, cheating etc etc, if I hadn't already been exploring poly, pretty sure that would have been the end of speaking in general.

So yep, it had been 20 years since I have had to actively break up with somebody, but I've been keeping an eye on this thread so I won't be so clueless if I have to figure out how to end a relationship anytime in the future. Or a good check-in in case somebody breaks up with me of course... oh the horror!
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.

Last edited by Anneintherain; 06-05-2011 at 08:57 AM.
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