Thank you for this note. Today was not a good day, to say the least. We went out last night, had a great dinner, then had a huge misunderstanding when we went to bed, and I ended up getting very upset when meyesekrit didn't mean anything (she had responded to something in her sleep, and I thought she was awake and meant it - stupid).
You are absolutely right that this is an inside job. But I was not in a good place today, and I should have just refused to talk, but I did. Again, I need to learn to see when I'm not centered and not discuss how I feel. So the hurt jealous afraid part of me was in control, and no matter how hard I try, it says things it shouldn't. She was going to spend the night with E, and when she was getting ready, she shaved - and the knife twisted in my gut. Then she put on matching red undies and bra - and the knife twisted in my gut. I used poor judgement and told her how I felt, and she was hurt and angry. Not surprising.
Then, about an hour after she left, I got a text from her. E was out on a date. He had blown her off to go out with another woman. Meyesekrit felt she couldn't come home.
Needless to say, I feel horrible. I'm very sad for Meyesekrit. I feel horribly guilty that we had parted on bad terms. I feel like a failure that she can't come home. Then later, I was out hiking and got more texts from her (totally unheard of). She was at E's. He wanted to explain. It was not good. He said it was better for her to sleep there than in the car and he has a spare bed or a couch. That hurt her a lot.
Now I feel incredibly bad. She's there with E, and unless they've made up, she's functionally alone. I texted her and sent some mail, trying to be as supportive and unselfish as possible. I just know she's hurting, and E must be hurting, and I both want to help and desperately hope I'm not to blame.
I hope she comes home tomorrow and I'm able to support her in ways that don't make her feel trapped. I think the best way is to continue showing her I'm working on all the issues I need to work on. I had asked her to change some of the things about her relationship with E to help me feel better, and she refused because I hadn't done much of anything to make the feelings go away on my own. There are things about me (irresponsibility, etc) that she has wanted me to fix for years. She says I'm more motivated now to work on these things, and have done more in the last year than I ever have. She's afraid if she changes things with E, I won't have incentive, and I won't keep working on things. She's hurting, and the best way I can think of to help her is to keep working on my and the relationship.
Sigh. I feel so selfish. She's hurting and I can't help her because I've been an emotional wreck and she can't trust my stability. I effed this up pretty badly. I hope I can support her.