MMD, you're a bit off, I feel. First of all, LostSailor doesn't own his wife, so he isn't "letting her" date E. They came to an arrangement together. Meyesekrit is also a member here and you can read her posts (Intro is here: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?p=61338
). To imply that she is using LostSailor because she doesn't want to give up a long-term loving relationship with her bf is a bit harsh. She only sees her lover twice a week, and is now expected to stop having sex with him after a year because LostSailor suddenly has developed irrational fears? There are feelings between Meyesekrit and E. to be considerate of, just as much as the feelings between LostSailor and Meyesekrit, and it seems clear to me that LostSailor has insecurities but it's not fair to say it is Meyesekrit's fault.
LostSailor, you say you have ADHD, which probably means you hyperfocus on things that bother you, that someone without ADHD probably would not be fazed by.
Have you worked with any counselors or found a system to help you develop coping skills? I have ADD tendencies and have found ADDitude Magazine
(online) helpful, although some of their articles are a bit too fluffy or cut-and-dried in their approach. I found one article about what happens in a marriage when a husband needs to have lots of order and control in his life in order to cope with ADHD, and the consequences of his trying to exert that control over his wife. It mentions differences between how men and women approach relationships. For the guy, it advises:
"Own your behavior. You need to realize that your over-controlling, over-structured habits are compensatory and that angry acting out is not fair or acceptable. It helps to develop a self-deprecating sense of humor about it too (e.g., "If I didn't have my head screwed on, I'd probably lose it too."). Over-controlling types can be very hard to live with, but a husband's personal insight and good humor will make his wife feel a lot better."
Well, I'm not really on board with the self-deprecating humor, but a sense of humor in general goes a long way.
In your intro thread, LostSailor, you wrote:
Originally Posted by LostSailor
She goes and spends the night a couple times a week, and now Jay (jealousy) is raising his ugly head. I don't understand it, and I sure don't like it. She's very supportive and helpful, but doesn't have direct experience. This is all complicated by the fact that it only bothers me when I'm in emotional turmoil for some other reason (she and I have a fight, for example, or, much more commonly, work is making me insanely stressed). When "I'm good," I miss her, but it's not a "problem" for me.
I bolded the statements that stood out for me. This is all an inside job, it would seem, as I am sure Meyesekrit has been honest and compassionate with you. Giving an ultimatum... well, sometimes that approach is necessary for someone who has to deal with a partner who has ADD/ADHD.
Are you worrying a lot, about a lot of things? Have you been full of anxiety and/or procrastinating? These are ways in which ADHD-ers respond to stress. But it may not necessarily be the stress of your relationship that's doing it. Do you have an increase of stress at work or other areas?
Over and over again, I read that the most important thing for a souse with ADHD to do, when all these worries set in, is to LISTEN. Listen to Meyesekrit when she tells you how much she loves you, and how much you mean to her. The sex is just another form of communication; keeping her from being sexual with E. isn't going to accmplish anything. You need to come to terms with you.