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Old 06-03-2011, 02:59 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Egad, a perfect time to say to your gf's friend, "If I want your opinion, I'll beat it out of you." All kidding aside, it sounds like there are toxic people around your gf who are up to mischief, wanting to cause trouble. It's your gf and bf you need to communicate directly with.

Quote:
Originally Posted by glowinthedarkstars View Post
River, I dont think I was really ever poly. While the freedom has been lovely. I fell in love with a man (P) who told me about polyamory and told me thats who he was. I was mono. P encouraged me to start dating which I did and then I fell in love with N. like the above poster said. I think its all fine and good to be in love with 2 people, but maintaining 2 relationships is causing pain.
For me, I find the whole, "am I poly or not?" question a bit irksome. If a relationship is troubled or has difficulty, this kind of identifying as one or another can lead to doubts about one's own abilities to cope or make one feel as if there is something wrong with them if things are not working. Personally, I just think people are people, and it's the relationships that are polyamorous or monogamous.

From the alt.polyamory FAQs (I've bolded the important parts, as I see them):

Subject: 11). How can I tell if I am polyamorous?

I'm not sure; only you will know, and according to the philosophy of some folks, people aren't polyamorous, although behavior can be. Some people find that approach useful, and others prefer to think of "polyamorous people".

Some polyfolk tend to recognize themselves in the descriptions, and can only be restrained with difficulty from jumping up and down and screeching, "See! See! I *knew* it wasn't just me! Hooray!" If you aren't sure you're poly, the best practice is probably to act kindly and responsibly, and to communicate clearly to the best of your ability as you learn; come to think of it, that's the best practice for polyfolk, too, so you'll be one of the crowd anyhow. Besides, being polyamorous is not inherently "better" than being monogamous, so there's no need to feel like you have to pledge allegiance or anything like that just to hang out and look at the questions.

Another thing to consider is that the word "polyamorous" is, like all labels, just a tool. What you do and how you treat the people you love is probably more important to them, in the long run, than whether you fit a particular descriptive term, so don't sweat it, okay? And take good care of each other.

An alternate point of view:

"There aren't polyamorous and monogamous people; there are polyamorous and monogamous relationships. The same person may at various times be happy in both monogamous and polyamorous relationships at various times in his/her life. What is right depends on you and your feelings, and the feelings of those you are involved in relationships with. You may at some times be involved in a relationship that is monogamous, and that may be the right thing for the people in that relationship; at other times, you may be in a relationship which works better as part of a polyamorous network of relationships. In any case, the important thing is probably to act kindly and responsibly, and to communicate clearly with intimate partners and potential partners about these issues. Don't deny your feelings or the feelings of those that you care about. Get in touch with how you and those you care about really feel, rather than how society wants you to feel, or how you think it would be logical to feel, or how you've been told polyamorous people (or monogamous people) should feel. Then behave in ways which are honest, and which make you, and the people you care about, and the people they care about, happy and fulfilled. If this results in you having more than one intimate relationship at the same time, or being involved in a relationship with more than two people, those who are big on categorizing and labeling people will label you a 'poly person'."
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