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Old 06-02-2011, 05:49 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Kansas City Metro
Posts: 2,187

Originally Posted by muse4 View Post
It was very graphic and I was shocked and hurt. This is a side of him that he kept completely hidden.It seemed contrary to everything he has said to me about what this lifestyle means to him and how he feels about me ("falling even more deeply in love") and what he is looking for in his relationships.


I don't know what to think--did I misunderstand? misread? I felt so brave stepping into a world so different than the monogamous one I've inhabited for the past 35 years--brave to let myself feel love for this man. Now I feel like a fool. I went through my day today in a state of shock--I feel lifeless, zombie-like. I don't know what to do. Is this really par for the course in polyamory?
OK, so he does poly relationships and also casual sex (meaning also open relationships). Had he ever told you that he was polyfidelitous--that he wouldn't be having sex with anybody he wasn't involved with? If he hadn't, then why would you feel betrayed?

Yeah, he spoke to you of polyamory because he's interested in being romantically involved with you. Why would he also speak of casual sex with you? My wife and I do poly and open--and I'm not going to be speaking much of casual sex with women I'm interested in dating for I don't want casual sex with them--I want romance!

So, while casual sex isn't an element of polyamory, being poly doesn't rule out also having open relationships or swinging.

It appears to me that you assumed he only does multiple romantic relationships without any indication to that effect. As you've just recently become involved with him, why would you expect to know everything about him by now? If you've never asked about whether or not he also does casual sex, why would you assume one way or the other?

Seriously, if he never claimed anything contrary, then he certainly hasn't betrayed you.
When speaking of various forms of ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
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