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Old 10-06-2009, 07:58 PM
violet violet is offline
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Nevada
Posts: 93

Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
violet, you're awesome. I think you said some really valid stuff there
Aww, thank you! I'm a very opinionated little creature. I have a good, hard time keeping my mouth shut.

Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I liked that you said that it is a strong belief of theirs that cheating is wrong and damaging on every account.... not your words, but it seems to be their belief... which means they need to act on it. You are right, if they thought of it differently then they would act accordingly, but they don't and it is going against what makes them comfortable. If one isn't comfortable then a change needs to happen.
That's the point I feel was missing. You act according to your BELIEFS. And forcing yourself to ignore something or be comfortable with something is NEVER a good idea. I know, I've fallen into that trap. It was hard digging my way back out.

Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I'm not sure what you are saying about Anne's other man... he doesn't know about your relationship I guess and you don't like him? Is that it? Would you feel differently if it were out in the open and he was good to her in your eyes? Would you prefer that she be a proper unicorn and not have anyone else in her life but the two of you? (If the last question you are finding you are answering "yes" too, then I think you may have trouble a brewing.... which is an entirely different thread... as it's a control thing. anyway, I digress!)

She is, in fact, cheating on him then! Does he know that he is a secondary (for want of a better term and only to put some perspective on it)? Does he think he is in a mono relationship with her and has made her his girlfriend...? just how involved is she?

Poor guy! I would have a really hard time with that! I know you say he doesn't treat her well, but in him finding out that she is cheating on him he will become more of an asshole and inflict that on another woman or people in his life in general. A good example of the trickle down effect.
Well, let's tackle this one. Mike (Anne's other) does NOT in fact know about us. He suspects - he knows we're good friends and Anne jokes about "messing around" with me all the time. She thinks/knows he could get his brain around her sleeping with another woman (he is bisexual himself), but her being with another man would be an instant deal-breaker. He'd flip out. There's been some talk about her telling him about ME, but that doesn't fix it for me. Fact is, I'm not interested in a relationship with her unless HMA is involved. So, she's not open to him - and no, I don't like him. I've been with men like him. He's manipulative, he's said some AMAZINGLY rude and harmful things to her ... ugh. I really dislike this guy.

I would feel completely different if it were out in the open. However, we touch on an interesting issue, which should likely be left for a different thread. I'll finish my thought here, and if any further discussion is necessary - I'll take it to a different thread. Anyway. We touch on an interesting issue - I, nor is HMA, looking for Anne to be a "proper unicorn". However, we have talked at great length about exclusivity in our relationship. When it was just HMA and I, he is free to have as many female partners as he wants. He is less comfortable with me having male partners, but agreed to it and can get his head around it. And I'm REALLY not interested in it, so it was no issue.

When Anne came along, SHE was the one who asked that HMA not have any other female partners. But - and here's the hypocrisy - she still has Mike. Our roommate Lana was dating us at first, and there's still some mutual interest between Lana and HMA. But, Anne doesn't want HMA to have another woman. SHE is the one who placed the stipulation of "polyfi" on this relationship, then turned around and broke it., I'm more resentful of that than I thought.

I digress. I'm not looking for her to be a "proper unicorn". I'm looking for the hypocrisy to go away.

Mike is under the impression that he is in an exclusive relationship with Anne. They are boyfriend/girlfriend, they say I Love You, whole enchilada. They've even talked about kids. They're in deep. She's having trouble leaving despite feeling like their relationship was never destined to be long term because they were good friends
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