violet, you're awesome. I think you said some really valid stuff there
I liked that you said that it is a strong belief of theirs that cheating is wrong and damaging on every account.... not your words, but it seems to be their belief... which means they need to act on it. You are right, if they thought of it differently then they would act accordingly, but they don't and it is going against what makes them comfortable. If one isn't comfortable then a change needs to happen.
I'm not sure what you are saying about Anne's other man... he doesn't know about your relationship I guess and you don't like him? Is that it? Would you feel differently if it were out in the open and he was good to her in your eyes? Would you prefer that she be a proper unicorn and not have anyone else in her life but the two of you? (If the last question you are finding you are answering "yes" too, then I think you may have trouble a brewing.... which is an entirely different thread... as it's a control thing. anyway, I digress!)
She is, in fact, cheating on him then! Does he know that he is a secondary (for want of a better term and only to put some perspective on it)? Does he think he is in a mono relationship with her and has made her his girlfriend...? just how involved is she?
Poor guy! I would have a really hard time with that! I know you say he doesn't treat her well, but in him finding out that she is cheating on him he will become more of an asshole and inflict that on another woman or people in his life in general. A good example of the trickle down effect.
We have gotten so damned selfish, greedy and lazy as a culture! It really disturbs me how this occurs! I really really fear for us sometimes. We damage each other soooo much and in turn damage ourselves and those close to us as a result.
When we find out that someone has cheated, is cheating and is having an affair it IS our business. We then hold that secret for them. I'm not saying in all cases we should demand they divulge everything and bring it out in the open, because sometimes that is more damaging.... I wrote a lot about this not too long ago on another thread if anyone cares to find it... I think it was someone who was cheating and wondered if they should tell their already damaged partner... I said no, they should get a grip on their life, change their behaviour and act respectfully to themselves and to their partner. I don't know what happened, they never wrote back.
The secret we hold perpetuates the greed and selfishness that they think they are entitled to by carrying on cheating. It in effect enables them to keep the affair going... I kind of see it like an addiction. At some point the enabling has to stop so that the addiction can be brought to light and so that recovery, detox and healing can happen for all involved.
Having worked with people with addictions and having the past I have had I can see the correlation clearly. Personally I will bow out of a friendship/relationship if the affair were to continue. I would make sure that the person knows that I am doing this because I refuse to give any of my energy to uphold someones greed and selfishness at the expense of another. It just isn't in their best interest or mine that I do so because that kind of negativity trickles down to my life and boosts their will to go on cheating.
I know, who am I to think that they would even care enough to lose my support? Well, I may mean nothing to them as a person, but just by my very act of being firm and openly honest will in itself make them reconsider what they are doing. I have to believe that or I have no hope for any of us. I can't not stand up for my core beliefs, because our society is crumbling and the only thing I can do is stand firm on such issues as this (and a great many other ones!
There are plenty of other people out there who have similar core beliefs that I would much rather be close to. Sometimes people come around and are thankful for someone kicking them in the butt and standing firm with them. I have experienced this in many areas of my life and this area is one of them. For me its a part of how I love. I think I love people enough to give them shit and then let them go if they are unable to make the changes they need to to better their lives and the lives of those around them. I feel it is my duty to love so much that I have to go through the pain of losing them in my hard ass, tough loving. I can tell you, I don't derive any pleasure from it.... as I'm sure dearprudance can attest to and anyone else who has experienced similar challenges.