What is a "Lifestyler?"
You seem to be using some swinger lingo, so I don't understand a lot of what you're talking about. But I do get that you were dishonest to your wife about helping out your gf with money.
I think, if you and your wife pool your salaries and share everything, you two need to seriously set boundaries about who can spend what on whom. And perhaps she needs to protect herself by keeping her money separate from yours. You say your issue is not about money, but that is a huge breach of trust among married couples. You all need to talk, and negotiate what is comfortable for each of you.
You say you didn't want any of what brought you to where you are, but you went along. On some level, you wanted it all or you wouldn't have done any of it. Doesn't matter - you have to deal with the present, so those excuses of "I didn't want this" hold no water. Repair the marriage first before anything else. It seems you and your wife need to strengthen your communication skills and get real about what you want and how both of you can be satisfied. That's how I see it.
Last edited by nycindie; 06-02-2011 at 08:12 AM.