not new but now getting confused...
So ok here goes...I am new to this site but a 'Lifestyler' over 5 years with my Wife of now 27 years. We are your typical mwc, now empty nesters as our kids have finished college and moved on. Normally we like to do a full swap with other couples, have done other 'variations' and for the most part have lived out all our fantasies, done the party scene, made a few (FEW) good friends, I have always been better about 'one offs' as compared to becoming 'friends' with our play partners. We are both college educated professionals, she is on the BBW side I am husky build but we are both, we believe, considered attractive in our own way.
So about 3 years ago my W wanted to start dating seperately, and though I resisted, she got her way. She had a party playmate that she esp. wanted to see. In addition, she has always been the online 'player', into chat and e mailing more then me. So long story short though it hurt me she proceeded. Then after about three months a woman reached out to contact me, She was from a couple we had enjoyed together that we had fallen out of touch with about six months earlier when She and her husband split up. She and I had had exceptional chemistry and She 'missed me'. Again long story short She and I, with my wife's full consent, started dating.
So W and I had reached a point where we played out seperately. My W had several lovers, which I was aware of all, and I saw She only as my seperate lover, again with W's full ok. Of course She was also a single mom (divorce still not final) that was barely making ends meet.
So we all know where this is going. She and I fell in love, deeply, and in addition I started to help She out financially. My Wife, though aware I was helping out finacially, did not know the full extant of what I was doing.
So though money is involved, this is not about money. It is about me dealing with the feelings I have, or do not have. It seems to me now that W and I do not have the same perspective on where this journey has led us, or where to go now. W has had multiple lovers over the last 2+years, and I have only met alone with She. I am in love with She and want to help her out as my circumstances allow, which is more that W would like. In addition W and I are not in the best place as W is aware more of the 'fiscal infidelity' I have committed the last year+. All freely offered freely given---but by me. Oh of course W makes more salary then me.
I did not want to play seperately. I did not plan to fall in love with She.
I do not want to upset my life of the past 25+yrs. I am very... confused....after all this time and all my best planning I do not know what to do. And should I live to be happy or just content?
More to follow soon. Should anyone take the time to read, let alone comment, I thank you !