Originally Posted by Morningglory629
Why do we do this? I had the same kind of two days. Just stop talking. Why can I not master the concept in a consistent way? I am really trying this time to not ignore a problem by just giving-in and saying "ok whatever you want." But at the same time I just do not have it in me to argue. I am just done. And I don't want to be nice about it either. I want to stick to my guns and get my point across and well just be heard. And not demanded of. I am actually just shutting down and I do not like that feeling.
Why do we do this, because we are determined to find resolution.
BUT-resolution when dealing with relationships is more complicated than it is when only dealing with ourselves!
The key I think (please feel free to find me wrong-this is just my theory), is acceptance.
We talk A LOT about acceptance. But what the fuck is it?
I've been following Ariakas thread and some of what Sage is going through. I have a very good friend I'm reconnecting with again who is also in AA. Acceptance is a big theme in AA and I think it's one of the keys to relationships that we're missing.
Acceptance doesn't mean "giving in" or giving up on ourselves and our own needs.
It means accepting that the other person is who they are and we are who we are and if at times those aren't compatible-so be it. THAT IS JUST THE WAY IT IS.
So what do you do after you've accepted that?
You take care of yourself.
Each of us is responsible first TO TAKE CARE OF OUR OWN SELF. We can't be supportive or helpful of others if we aren't ok ourselves.
SO, if I have a personal priority to devote 75% of my time to my kids, and someone wants to spend time with me, they can either spend it with me AND MY KIDS or they can ask if I have time available for them in the other 25%...
If they don't want to spend time with my kids, then they are stuck with accepting what I have available for them during my 25%.
I AM NOT OBLIGATED to make more time available to them outside of that 25%.
I am not obligated to give them all of my 25% to make up for the "loss" of my unavailability outside of that 25%.
I am FREE to offer them whatever amount of time seems reasonable TO ME of that 25% and they can take it or leave it.
LIKEWISE, if I want to spend time with someone, but I don't want to spend it with them while they are with their OSO; I have the right to request time when their OSO is not with them.
IF they choose to devote 75% of their time to being with their OSO, then I will have to accept the LIMITED amount of time they are willing to offer me from their other 25% of time and they are NOT OBLIGATED to give it all to me or to increase what they would give me because of the unavailability the other 75% of the time.
We spend a lot of time trying to get
what we want from other people.
What I think we REALLY need to do is start getting what we want from ourselves and then we'll be more able to productively assess what it is we have available to give
So, with Maca.....
I'm working on accepting that if he doesn't want to spend time with me in certain environments-that's his right. There is NO REASON I need to explain to him why this has a negative impact on our time together, he's not stupid. In fact, he's quite intelligent and capable of seeing for himself what the impact is or is not.
MY JOB is to accept that I have relationships that are meaningful parts of my life, including my relationship with him. I can offer my time up as I see fit. Others can accept or decline as they see fit, including Maca.
In terms of how that plays out regarding our time together, I've made myself clear that he is ALWAYS welcome to spend time with the "family" as we all see him as part of our family. He is ALWAYS welcome to join us for meals, hang out or go to activities we are participating in.
I am not canceling my activities with the family (yes that includes GG) in order to spend time with him. Not because I don't want to spend time with him, I do. But because my priority is the family. He is a part of that, but not a more or less important part than the rest of the individuals in the family. It's HIS RIGHT to choose what his priorities are, and not my place to pressure him one way or the other.
I don't know how well it's going to work. But, we survived the "bad week of the month" for me this last week with flying colors. The biggest thing I noticed different was that I spent a lot of time just biting my tongue while I considered if it was really necessary or helpful to say what was on my mind-and then deciding that no, it wasn't.
Doesn't change the way I felt or what I thought. But, it's not necessary for me to share it.
I didn't "cave" on what was important to me.
I didn't pressure him to do something he didn't want to do.
I didn't fight.