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Old 06-01-2011, 02:10 AM
polycouple polycouple is offline
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: CT/RI area
Posts: 55
Default I am poly, BF and GF new to poly, how do I communicate with them?

I really need some guidance about how I should approach a conversation with my girlfriend. We are in a triad. I am the "new" person in the relationship with her and our bf. They were together for four years before we met. This is also a little bit of a rant. I have no one to talk to who really understands what this experience is like!

Long story short, we are all madly in love with each other. Sarah, though, is not comfortable giving Tom and I freedom when she is not around. What this means is that she wants to know everything we do, does not want us to be intimate when she is not there, and wants to know everything we talk about. She becomes agitated, and hurt when she finds out even the most mundane details that she was not privy to. I feel controlled by her. I feel stifled in this relationship, and I don't know how to talk to her.

I have communicated my feelings and she often misinterprets my message. She thinks it is all about wanting to have sex when she is not there. Yes, that is part of it, one small part of a larger picture. I try to tell her that I would like her to find joy in any love expressed between the three of us, even when she is not there, the way that I feel joy when they (sarah and Tom) get to express love. I don't think she understands how demeaning it feels to be controlled like this, how much it goes against who I am. She is also an EXTREME people pleaser, with a history of trauma. This makes me extremely apprehensive to express myself with her because she is very sensitive and I don't want to put pressure on her, or hurt her feelings, or coerce her into a situation she is not comfortable with. I basically, don't want to take advantage of her.

I have to say I am not a victim here. I entered this relationship knowing how Sarah is. I did not choose to fall in love with them, but I did choose to pursue a relationship with them. I am just having a hard time finding the balance between loving Sarah and wanting to accommodate her, but feeling like I am being compromised and suppressed. Then there is the added challenge of communicating this in an effective manner.

Any feedback would be greatly appreciated!!!!

Thank you!
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