I'm new here and I just thought I'd try to get some opinions from any polyamorous people as to how I am dealing with this in my current relationship.
My bf and I have been together 2 years (today is our anniversary
) and we have a baby son. I am very much in love with them both
. I am openly bisexual and was surprised at myself for falling so deeply in love with a man (I've always vastly preferred women), but I am happy nonetheless.
However, I feel that monogamy has always been something I've struggled with. I only heard of the term "polyamory" recently; in the past, I just shrugged the feelings off, as they made no sense to me. I championed monogamy and loathed cheating. It took me a while to realise that polyamory and cheating are NOT the same thing. Looking back, the only serious relationship I ever had, I cheated on him (thrice). After that, I had "friends with benefits" and "fuck buddies", but backed rapidly off if they showed any indication of wanting to be exclusive. My DP is the only one who has instantly made me want to commit.
I have spoken to him about this, after a year of struggling and hating myself for my feelings, and he was deeply confused. He comforted me, as my shame in what I was saying palpable, but he also confessed he was afraid I'd find someone else and take our son with me. Once he saw how devastated I was that he could even think that, he seemed to realise that I was not saying this as a way to back out of our relationship. Now, though, he's gone back to pretending I haven't said anything at all. If I bring it up and ask how he's feeling, he says, "I don't knoow. I dunno. I'm not sure." Which is fine, but I am worried he'll slip into his old habit of pretending he's okay when he's suffering. I like to check in...not to press him for answers, but to ensure his imagination isn't running away with him again. He will mostly talk about his feelings when asked, but won't offer them voluntarily. I've asked him to work on this.
So I'm not sure where to go from here. I don't want him to conveniently "forget" what I told him so that he doesn't have to talk about it (like he did when I told him I was bi), but I also don't want to drag him into something he's not comfortable with. Right now, I want to focus on us having time for each other and the baby...I'm not interested in diving headlong into finding another partner without ensuring we have a good communication system first. But how do I do so without seeming pushy?
Help and advice would be much appreciated