She said recently (last night) that she was ready to end it. I wasn't.
I can be irresponsible, to say the least. I don't clean the house. I don't do a good job at finances. She and I don't do a good job at finances. I was having health issues, and had fallen out of shape. She felt trapped financially, hated being in the house, and struggled with depression. She said we had the same fights over and over, and weren't growing.
Her time with E, and the pain I feel, has motivated me to look at myself more. I've become more aware, more considerate, and a better husband. She and I are much happier when we're together. She and I are both afraid that if she ends it with E I'll "feel safe" and revert to earlier behaviors. I don't want her to end it - I see these huge benefits. I just want to stop hurting!
Usually I cook for the kids, do a few chores, and spend a few hours examining the pain, thinking of the two of them together, and trying to figure out why it hurts and how to change my emotions. Sometimes I go hiking in the middle of the night, which is purely for me. I try to read, but often can't concentrate because of my feelings.