Getting worse, not better
I apologize in advance for the length of this thread.
My wife, meyesekrit, is in a long-standing relationship with E, who is a friend of mine, too. E and I have our own things we go do (and we're both very straight, so that's not an issue). E and she have been together almost a year now.
She spends every Tuesday and Friday night at his house. It's getting harder and harder for me to cope with that time. The debilitating inability to think of other things, the knife stabbing my gut, the hard to breathe reaction. The thought of her naked and having sex with him is killing me.
I admit, when this started it was erotic and new, and I encouraged it. I'm very ADHD, and I don't anticipate consequences well. I also have long standing dependency issues - I will do anything for her.
Now, I've brought up this problem, and asked if she'd back off and not have sex unless I was there. She says it's not about the sex, I have other issues. She said she'd stop having sex with him, but she'd stop having sex with me, too. If she stops seeing him, she'd spend the night in a hotel. She said last night that she would move out if I did something to break up her and E.
Now, in her defense, I get very needy and clingy. That frantic dependency pushes her away. I know and admit I have issues to work through.
She says she's committed to me. She says she loves me. She shows that love and support daily (if only by putting up with me). She says she wants to live her life with me. Why can't my emotions be satisfied with that?
A year ago we were ready to end it. Her relationship with E has had huge benefits. We're closer now than ever. I feel more love and optimism for the future now. The pain motivates me to examine myself. I'm no good at it, but am trying to get in to see a therapist.
I don't understand what's going on. I shouldn't be afraid she'll leave me - she tells me that's not what she wants. I shouldn't be afraid she doesn't love me - she tells and hows me her love every day. I shouldn't be afraid of her comparing us - she admits E is far from perfect, that the two of them don't have near the relationship she and I have, and that she doesn't compare.
I just on't know why it hurts so much....