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Old 05-31-2011, 03:33 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Wow, dinged, you sound a little angry or something. Maybe I'm misreading you... seems like you're picking a fight.

To me, it's really simple, we either feel whatever feelings naturally come up, and/or whatever we choose to feel; we respond to the people around us, but they don't make us feel anything. Things in our lives don't make us happy or sad, though their presence may elicit a response. We are responsible for how we relate and respond to those things and people and events. If I feel happy when I'm with someone it could be because their happiness is infectious, but it is my being fully present that allows me to pick up on that. It could be that I simply love certain things about them, which again it comes from ME, not that they are making me feel a certain way. OR, maybe it's just that I am happy with myself, feeling good about me, and my partner is in my vicinity, so it looks like my partner is "making" me happy. But that's inaccurate. Just think about the times when someone was trying hard to cheer you up, but you stubbornly remained in a pissy mood -- we've all done it. Didn't you hold onto it, despite all attempts from someone else to "make" you feel differently?

All we're saying is that both BD and JA are each responsible for their own happiness, and to nurture and support each other, but to focus on why she would be happy with someone else is like wondering why would she be happy when the sun is shining, or why she's happy when it's raining. She is happy because she is expressing herself and creating her own happiness. We have to get out of the thinking that it's our duty alone to satisfy someone we love, without ever allowing room for them to find satisfaction and happiness elsewhere. Why demand that the ones we love be squeezed into such a small, confining space?
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"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 05-31-2011 at 03:55 PM.
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