I had a very wise teacher who used to say, "We live in the atmosphere of our beliefs. If you don't like the air you're breathing, change your beliefs."
Self-examination isn't always easy. Have compassion for yourself and your wife as you keep examining your responses to things. See if, when you have a reaction, you can step back from it and notice where it's coming from. There is a difference between feelings that rise in us organically, out of our sensitivities (like grief, for example), which have an ebb and flow, and the kinds of emotional reactions we create from our thoughts and obsess on.
The more you can get familiar with your thought process, the easier it becomes to identify patterns of thinking that spark certain emotional reactions. It takes practice to live in the moment and not give way to "stinking thinking." I would say, if these feelings of disgust, anger, or betrayal emerge again, don't focus on her and what she's up to, but rather on yourself and your internal process, kind of like a scientist observing. Just go, "Hmm, now what am I feeling here? Why am I having this reaction? What do I get out of feeling this way?" and so on. It truly does help in understanding yourself and how you relate to others if you can unravel your thinking rather than follow the thoughts on a roller coaster ride of angst and drama.
Independent solo polyamorist seeking lover-friends willing to invest in friendship, companionship, and love, but without a need for partnership.
Never confuse commitment with exclusivity, love with ownership, nor sex with intimacy!
For me, it is far better to grasp the Universe as it really is than to persist in delusion, however satisfying and reassuring.
~ Carl Sagan
Last edited by nycindie; 05-31-2011 at 05:06 AM.