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Old 05-31-2011, 02:41 AM
forelsket forelsket is offline
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Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 2
Default am i being irrational?

a little background info: my boyfriend and i have been together for 3 and a half years and live together. we have often discussed polyamory in the past (then we did not know about the word polyamory or that there are so many of us). recently, within the past few months, we have been discussing it more seriously (reading books together, talking about our needs/what we would be comfortable with at least at first/etc.) we have decided to not give the green light on this yet, as we still have quite a lot of transitioning and researching to do.

i would like to begin by saying that i know that this is minuscule compared to hurdles you other members may be facing, so i apologize for that in advance.

about a week ago, our friends planned a potluck at their home. my boyfriend (i will call him oso) invited a coworker that he thought would fit right in. this is very out of the ordinary for oso - he is very introverted and other things that make this seem not ordinary. when he told me it was a woman, i asked him if he saw her as a potential addition to our lovely group of friends or something more. we have been doing great about being open about our feelings so i feel that this was a legitimate question. i wanted to remind him that since we have not given this a green light, i would prefer him not bringing a potential lover to be a part of our lives and our group of friends just yet. i just had this feeling that this was what was happening. we are not generally an ultra jealous couple, but i felt this was jealousy, so i let it slide and got over it pretty quickly.

after we got home that night, he admitted to me that he realized he had more feelings for her. of course, i am hurt because i feel betrayed. i had let him know before the potluck that i would be uncomfortable with this situation. i do not want to bring potential lovers into our lives, into our group of friends, until both of us are ready to venture onwards. i am upset because i feel it is unfair for me and unfair for the girl (we definitely hit it off - she seems to be a really great person). he is sorry, and i truly believe it, but now i am in this awful spot of feeling uncomfortable if she hangs out but horrible if she doesn't hang out because she did nothing wrong. i know that you cannot control your feelings, and maybe he realized his feelings at the potluck. however, i still feel awful. at the beginning of this, i thought our communication and respect for each other about this particular part as such a solid thing. now i sting in the chest. i am afraid that oso and i have moved back instead of forward because of this incident and that does not make me feel good at all.

am i being irrational? i really believe that this lifestyle is for me, but the fact i am so hurt by this and the trust i have for oso has been damaged in some way makes me feel that i may not be a good partner in this kind of circumstance and that saddens me.
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