So, I was waiting as I said I would...
And as I was waiting, I was thinking maybe it wasn't so bad. Really, with D I always seem to have had times I couldn't think about anything but contacting him, and then times I couldn't really care less if I was going to see him or not. That's actually part of the reason I don't think we'd work as a relationship.
Anyways, I thought about what nycindie said too. The last time we met was 2008, and the chemistry was still there even though we hadn't been together for 2 years. Now I don't think if it would have disappeared, but does that happen between adult friends? I've had it happen with people I knew as kids, because we grew up and became too different, but in a couple of years in your adult life, is drifting apart that much as common?
I don't really know. Anyways, Sunday night I was talking to Seamus, and I was very tired (due to the time difference I had to stay up until after 2 to get to see him), and my tired is most people's drunk. So I started rambling about how I was sorry I found the phonebook and how I made him sad, and he asked if I had contacted D yet.
I said no because I didn't want to make him sad. He told me I was cute but silly, that he'd get over it and I'd always regret it if I didn't. I said maybe, but maybe if I did contact him I'd also always regret it because I would make him sad, and out of two things I might always regret I'd rather take the thing that didn't make him sad.
I was very tired as I said, I'm not sure if I was speaking from the heart of what, I thought of never contacting him as something so hard that I'd never get over, and then suddenly it was like it was no big deal. It's weird.
Anyway, he said he was glad I cared about his feelings, but that he had only told me it would upset him because he wanted me to know, and not because he wanted to guild trip me and command my actions, and that I should do it "tomorrow" so Monday, which is yesterday here but probably today for a bunch of you.
Today I had a busy day dealing with health stuff (getting registered on health care again, which wasn't too complicated but I still had to go there and file forms) and Seamus was going to be out all morning and some of the afternoon his time, and I didn't expect to see him until I woke up later today (I haven't gone to bed yet).
After I was done dealing with my stuff, I thought of it, so I went to get the phonebook and sent a message ("hey, is it still D's number, this is Tonberry", something like that).
I got an answer a few hours later, and I have to say I was a bit shaky when I clicked to read it. It turns out it's not his number anymore, which was a relief and at the same time a bit of a disappointment I guess.
Seamus came home earlier than I expected so I told him, and he was obviously happy about it.
So that's that. I'm not feeling the urge to contact him anymore, I still think I might at some point, and after the talk I had with Seamus I think I'll go for it without torturing myself over it, but it can wait and I'll see about that later.
Oh, and about the fact that I thought about how things might work already, etc... I over-think stuff, that's how I work. I think of all the different outcomes I can think of and how to deal with each of them. When one of them occurs, it makes me feel more prepared to deal with it, and at the same time I can put things in perspective better when it's a negative outcome because so far it's never been the worst one.
I didn't present all the outcomes in my posts because some wouldn't have been an issue, which might have given the impression I was sure it would go a certain way. I was very aware there were many ways it could go, and I thought of some where we'd see each other and feel we were done, too.
So it's not like I was sure we'd feel the same as before, and both feel it, it just seemed to be the possible outcome that had the most potential for going awry.