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Old 05-28-2011, 11:09 AM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 6,204

Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
Magdlyn, you said you are responsible for your happiness and you made a short list of some of the things make you happy ......I guess then you were happy in your marriage and it was your husband that asked/pushed for the divorce.
No, not at all. It was pretty much a 50/50 decision. We'd grown apart after 30 years together. He had developed certain interests I wasn't interested in, and vice versa. Too many. Also, he had certain issues (low self esteem, jealousy, a hetero-normative mindset, etc.), and behaviors stemming from those issues. I just couldn't take it anymore... Couples counseling, individual counseling, and hundreds of hours of discussion between the two of us were ultimately fruitless. It was time to cut our losses and move on.

I put the word "make" in quotes in my previous post because I don't believe people make us feel a certain way. I prefer to put it this way: "When you do X, I feel Y." That's a basic communication skill. Using "I statements." "I feel" X. Not, "You drive me crazy! You're such a bitch." "You're pissing me off! You're a bad boy."

An I-statement is a statement that begins with the word "I". It is frequently used in an attempt to be assertive without putting the listener on the defensive. It can be used to take ownership for one's feelings rather than saying they are caused by the other person. An example of this would be saying, "I feel angry when you make fun of my clothes, and I would prefer that you stop doing that," rather than, "Quit saying that crap, you're really making me mad!" (The latter is an example of a "you-statement.")
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 62) loving Pixie (poly, F, 40) since January 2009, living together since 2013
Seeing Kahlo (polyish, M, 45)
Master, (mono, M, 36), Pixie's Dom/bf for 3+ years

Last edited by Magdlyn; 05-28-2011 at 11:11 AM.
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