Originally Posted by JnR
. . . should I continue to try and reach my hand and heart out to him in the hopes of regaining a friendship/relationship with him? Does he truly need more time to feel comfortable, or is this just his way of passively letting me know he is not interested and has found other outlets that he enjoys?
My take on this is: leave him alone and walk away. You have reached out numerous times to him. Stop. Work through it for yourself that it is over. Frankly, I don't know why you need to go back there. Give him space -- he truly needs it.
Unless you've ever been through it yourself, you don't know how utterly devastating divorce is. And he is dealing with a messy one, and a crazy ex, it seems. I am approaching a year now since my husband and I separated -- and I am only now beginning to feel like I might (maybe!) come back from the brink of madness. I am not exaggerating.
Divorce is is a very gut wrenching time in one's life, no matter who initiated it. It is probably the hardest thing he has had to experience. A lot of people make light of it until it happens to them. I would even go as far as saying that the heartache you feel about him is probably miniscule compared to the heartache he is grappling with. I don't mean to be cruel or to belittle what you're feeling. I am simply speaking as someone going through divorce myself. He needs his independence and to create a new life for himself, on his own terms, not part of a couple (or quad). I've been doing some reading about recovering from divorce and it's generally agreed upon by many types of counselors and professionals that it takes a good two years to heal and feel "normal" again
, and it doesn't matter whether one is the dumper or the dumpee. Two years to heal.
Even after that, it is still a fragile state to be in. There may be too much pain in it for him to be involved with you again. Maybe you represent, in a way, the way things were when you were all together. Maybe in his eyes, you are just another woman who betrayed him. Doesn't matter, he is trying to rebuild his life and needs to protect himself as he sees fit. I think you are going to muck it up for him if you push this. If you really want to express your love for him, let him go. The most loving thing you can do is leave him alone, and trust that he will find a way to heal by creating the journey he needs for himself, even if it doesn't include you.