Just my two cents:
I would imagine that even if he's still head-over-heels in love with you, he's extremely reluctant to reveal that and invest in this relationship because he's (justifiably) terrified that just when he needs you, you'll disappear again.
Personally, what I would recommend is to not push too much or too far right now and be willing to be happy with what he can give you. Ask for specific, small things - like "Hey, when can we next get together? I'll buy coffee, and it doesn't have to be very long if you're busy." Then give him time to adjust and work out for himself if this is something he's willing to risk again. Essentially, you broke his trust, and he doesn't have much reason to trust you again just yet. If he is willing to work on re-building that trust, then you will need to be patient with him and not insist that he jump back into being loving and committed right away. It's also possible that he isn't willing to really risk it again, but cares enough about you that he is reluctant to say so because that would hurt you. In that case, he may be trying to break off contact slowly.
I'd also try to work out for yourself if what you want is really fair to this man. What do you mean, exactly, by not letting his drama into your life? How does he attract drama in his? If it was purely a situational thing with his wife and not likely to happen again, that may be fair. But if your husband is going to insist on you dropping the relationship as soon as something happens that makes you emotional, then all you're doing is asking him to trust you again even though you won't stick around when he needs you. You know this man, what sorts of support he needs, and how you handle giving that support a lot better than anyone here, so you're in the best position to consider this question and see whether or not you can be a good, committed friend.
Keira Raven, married to husband Mal, interested in a woman for a triad or vee
(Previously known as Dakota Raven, husband previously known as Adam)