I want to contact him and stay in touch because I miss him. I'm fine with not even meeting in person, and if we meet I'm fine with not having sex (I think it would probably be for the best if we didn't, actually). And I don't want a relationship, we never really had one, we were more like friends with benefits, and I don't see him as a life partner or anything like that.
But I do love him a lot. And I feel I do want him to be part of my life, even if we just talk every so often and then spend months or years with no contact. The idea of never contacting him again or seeing him again makes me, well, very sad. It's not a completely out of control panic sad like thinking about never seeing Seamus again, but it's still sadness, and also I tell myself, what's the point? It feels like it would be kind of a pointless sacrifice to stay away from him.
There is chemistry between us so I'm more afraid of something happening if we met than planning on it. But I have resisted him before when he was interested and staying over for the night but I was in a (then) monogamous long distance relationship with Raga so nothing happened, not even a kiss.
And the last time I met him he didn't even try anything, so I think there is a big chance he isn't interested in anything like that.
The reason I thought about all of that is that I thought Seamus's fears or concerns were about D and I getting involved again, due to the fact he doesn't trust the guy (it doesn't help that he's never met him since I haven't seen him since 2008 or so and I met Seamus only a bit over a year ago). But it turns out he doesn't like or trust him even as far as just talking goes, which I guess I don't really get.
I don't want to push the issue too much because he (Seamus) locks down in cases like that. Plus I'm afraid to sound accusatory when I'm just curious, or make him think he (Seamus) is less important than he actually is, or something. And I know if I push the issue even a little bit he'll say "do whatever you want" and then feel bad if I do.
I'm not sure what kind of advice I'm expecting... He's a close friends who was there at some of the worst times of my life, he was supportive and good to me, he rooted for me finding someone, etc. He does have his flaws but I feel he's an important person in my life, and since coming back to France I got back in touch with two other close friends and it feels odd not to with him because someone I met so recently has a bad feeling about it.
Yet I don't want to dismiss that bad feeling either.
I'm not sure if I made things clearer or less clear >.> I'll try to recap: I want to be friends again with D. I wouldn't mind being friends with benefits again, but I think it would probably have more bad consequences than good ones so I'm find avoiding it as well. And I'm fine with only being able to see him in public or something similar that might reassure Seamus. I'm less fine about not being able to see D at all but willing to compromise if we can still discuss through texts or phone calls or other distant methods. I don't feel fine with not being able to contact him at all as it feels unfair, but I don't want to hurt Seamus either.
I don't know why I was fine with not contacting him until I found his number. Maybe it's because he seems closer now. Maybe it's because it was my decision while now it's more like a sacrifice for the sake of Seamus. Maybe I don't like the idea that he gets to make decisions for me.
On the other hand I know he isn't, he's just saying how it makes him feel. I wish I knew how to prevent him from feeling that way. I wish he (Seamus) could be here with me so he wouldn't feel so bad about it.