I hope some people are following my journal, because I've got a question and I would appreciate your advice.
Now that I'm in France, I've been thinking of remaking contact with my ex. Actually when I arrived, the first thing my roommate asked is if I was going to. It's no secret to her, to myself, to Seamus or to Raga that I've missed the guy a lot.
Currently, I'm not planning on starting a relationship with him or have sex, I'm only planning on trying to send a text to the old number I've got asking if it's still his number, and work from there. I didn't contact him while I was in Paris, which is close to where he lives, and now I know that he wouldn't make the trip to where I am, and while I'm planning to go back to Paris on weekends, nothing is planned right away.
I've talked about it with Seamus, and he doesn't like the idea. He's told me that honestly, he's not restricting me at all while we're apart, that I should feel free to do anything from contacting the guy to having sex with him (which he said would be "like con sex") to I guess having a relationship (that would probably be the worst as far as he's concerned), but he's also said that if I contact him he'll be upset.
Seamus doesn't like my ex, D. Raga actually liked the guy a lot because his first impression of him was how he was protective of me and helped me in rough times, and stuff like that. But the first Seamus heard about him was negative stuff, and he thinks the guy isn't reliable, and that he could endanger me. Since he used to do drugs and drink and drive and stuff like that, I can see the point (although he never let me in the car after he had drunk), but good things about D haven't managed to change Seamus's first impression.
I really care about Seamus, but I also really care about D. Even though we had sex a few times and I have good memories of it, I mostly miss D as a friend. However I know there is a chemistry between us and if he's willing we'd probably at least hug and kiss and possibly more, which is why I thought prudent not to contact him when we could meet in person before talking and being clear about what could or could not happen.
But Seamus doesn't mind the physical aspect, he minds the idea that I be in contact with the guy at all. While I'd be fine with some boundaries about not having sex with him, or not kissing him, or not meeting him at all, the idea of not contacting him when I'm finally in the same country hurts me a bit. I feel like I'll probably regret it if I don't.
All the same, I don't want to hurt and upset Seamus. Do you think there is a way to warm him up to the idea, in which case I'd wait until he's fine with it, or do you think he probably won't change and I should just do it now (or never do it)?
At this point part of me is wishing that it's not his number anymore. I have other (roundabout) ways to contact him (for instance through his parents) but I was fine with the idea of never doing so until I found the phonebook with his number in it. From then I've been wanting to check, I feel it's like he's right there and I could just reach out. If he's changed his number then I think I won't contact him for a while (although I still might want to before leaving France, but that leaves me up to a year or two), but if I destroyed the number before trying I think it would always torture me...
I'd really take any advice right now, as I'm torn up. Seamus seems to say he'll feel bad either way. Just knowing I want to contact D made him feel down. And if I don't contact him and becomes sad as a result, he'll be sad too, he keeps saying "I just want you to be happy".
At the same time I think about how Raga lied to me about what he was and wasn't comfortable with because he was afraid I'd leave if he was honest, and I'm afraid of making the same mistakes of making Seamus suffer, this time knowingly as he was honest about his feelings.
I'm really lost. Any advice?